Letters To My Dead Mother: Back To School

August 31, 1984

Dear Mom,

It has been a couple of weeks since your funeral and things are very different here. School is about to start. I wish you were here to help pick out my school clothes. Dad just told us to get what we need. You always got us the pretty stuff. Today I have to go to the orthodontist to get braces. I do not want them! They are ugly. I will be called Metal Mouth and other bad names. I have to wear them for two years!! I won’t be able to eat what I want for that long. Last night Dad took us out for dessert. I got the stickiest, gooeyest dessert there. It was good. I feel like I am going through slow motion. So much is happening so fast. I wish I could really talk to you like we used to. I write these letters hoping you might read them but I don’t know where to send them.

I got to go.

Love you,

Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: after death

August 20th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

It’s been five days since you went to heaven. Very weird to think last week you were having lunch with us in your hospital room. Tonight we had to pick out our outfits to wear at your funeral tomorrow. You are supposed to wear black but you never bought us black dresses. So we were in the kitchen and Daddy was helping us iron the outfits. He looked at our doorway to the dining room and said “Mom’s here.” We looked where he was looking and there was a ball of light floating there. It did not look like it was a reflection off anything. All three of us saw it. Katie said hi. I said hi too. Was it you? Did you hear us? I don’t like this dying thing. Dad says I can talk to you all I want but you can’t talk back. Anyway, I hope you are happy wherever you are.

From,

Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: the day

August 15th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

When we were watching the Facts Of Life Daddy showed up at Grandma and Grandpa’s. He was supposed to be at work. He sat us on the couch and said you died and went to heaven. Katie asked what that meant and he said that you died like our dog Fosh did. He gave us a choice to stay there or come home. We both wanted to go home. When we got there everything looked the same. The bag of chips you like was half opened. Your chair in the living room had your black sweater lying on it. The one you used when you got cold. On your dresser in the bedroom was your half empty Channel #5 perfume bottle. Katie said you were still coming home cause everything was the same. The house was so quiet. We unpacked and went to bed. Katie kept crying. I could not sleep. Something felt very different. I hope you are not in pain and are happy. I miss you so much.

                            I love you.

                                        Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother Part 2 1984

August 6th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

Summer is almost done. When are you coming home? The hospital must be soo boring. We only get to see you a couple of times a week. Grandma says you are still sick. Please get better fast. I have to get my braces soon. I don’t want to get them but dad says I have to. Hope you get home soon so we can go somewhere before school starts again.

                          I miss you.

                          Love your daughter,                                                                                                       

                                           Nicole

August 15th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

We just got back to Grandma and Grandpa’s from visiting you in the hospital. You couldn’t talk and kept moving your hands. I don’t know if you knew we were there. Everyone was so sad and crying. I felt dizzy and thought I was going to throw up so we had to leave. I hope everything was ok.

                       See you soon.

                         Love,

                                      Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother 1984

Dear Mommy,

I am having a lot of fun with Grandma and Grandpa. The plane ride was very neat. We went on a train ride, saw horses and a lot of extended family members.

I hope you are feeling better and not sick anymore. One more week till I am home.

I love you and miss you.

                                     Love,

                                            Nicole

August 1, 1984

Dear Mommy,

We got home today from the trip and you weren’t there. Dad says you are in the hospital again because you are sick. I can’t wait to show you all the neat stuff I got and I took a lot of pictures. Grandma says we can visit you soon but you might be home soon. I can’t wait to see you.

                                          Love,

                                                  Nicole