Letters To My Dead Mother: growing up is hard

May 30th, 1998

Mommy,

The worst has happened again. Katie called me when I was at work to see if I had a car (I did not). She said she wanted to go to the hospital. I told her to call my hubby. She eventually got hold of a friend. She said she will let me know how it goes. I went on my way home. I did not hear from her so I tried her and no answer.

Later that night her friend’s mom called me. She was going to have to have emergency surgery. The doctor’s figured that the cysts she had had grown even bigger. She could not eat or sleep properly for a long time. She never mentioned this to me before.

So I waited at the hospital with our guardian and her friends. Unfortunately dad and Mary were there too. I tried to avoid them as much as possible but it was hard. I had sworn them off a few years back when they lied that they were back together (after we got her out and safe). I did not want Katie to see that tension.

What a long night. Eventually the nurses recommended that we all go home because there were a few delays in waiting for her surgery.

I got home in a fog. Alex was at a business meeting and did not get home till after I did.

All I wanted to do was wait at the hospital. I can’t lose her. Please take care of her.                                                       Praying with all I got,

                          Nicole

July 1, 1998

Mom,

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! After four rounds of chemotherapy, Katie is ok. She had so much intestines’ and one ovary removed because the cysts turned into tumors and therefore left cancer all around. It was the most devastating few months after losing you. Every time she was at the hospital I was there.

This whole time made me so crazy that I got fired from that hell job that I had for a few years. It was good riddance. I only took it because I thought it would make me look good in front on my in-laws and hubby. Now I was able to focus on her recovery. She did not have a significant other to help so there was our former foster mother and me. Alex helped when he could but it took a tole on our marriage for sure because I was not there a lot. He understood given you. Now this is a great family stat. A survivor! When she got her first clear test I almost fainted.  I know you must have had a say in it. Thank you.

I feel like I have been reborn. This was the wake-up call that I needed to get better with my life. I did not like the person I was for the past few years. Now I can strive forward.

I knew she was not ready to see you again!

                   Thank you mommy.

                             Love you.

                             Nicole

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