The Day Mommy Went To School

My eyes pop open awake ten minutes before the alarm even went off. The house is sleepy silent. My body still heavy with sleep but my mind and heart are jumpy with excitement.

Today I get to go to school for the day.

At the downtown Vancouver SFU campus, I will be attending Symposium on the Book: What’s So Funny. It is a one day workshop filled with a panel of humor writers and teachers and newspaper book reviewers.

Because of the early start to do the hour long drive to the class, I prepped everything from my bag to my clothes the night before. My hope is to sneak out of the house to avoid the drama if both daughters awake.

In the four years of being a mom I have never been away from both of them for a whole day.  I am nervous hoping they will somehow understand. I am feeling guilty for leaving them even though they will be with their daddy. I also feel guilty because it will be my first day off to be amongst adults.

Truth is I have found that lately I am not a happy mommy. My tank is empty. I am hoping by attending “What’s So Funny?” I will find my humor again.

Laughter, they say, is the best medicine: the act of laughing lowers blood pressure and releases endorphins, making us happier and healthier.

Crap. The girls are up even before I finish my shower.

As I drive away, I see my family in the window waving god-bye. My youngest daughter who is one, her tear-streaked face illuminating my rear-view mirror. I almost turned around the car. My heartstrings are pulling me back home. I am a bad mother for springing this on my young children.

Yet, my foot stays on the gas pedal fueled by the songs blaring on the radio.

Because of the early Sunday morning hour the drive only took forty-five minutes taking me to the campus a half hour early. I immediately pick up my cell phone to check in at home, ready to pull out of the parking spot and come home.

Our conversation about how good their morning is going puts me at tremendous ease. I step up to the doors of the university feeling lighter in my step than I have in a long time. This feeling makes me laugh even before I sit down to find my humor.

It’s only one day and will do a world of good for this mommy looking for her funny.

Letters To My Dead Mother: scary times without you

September 7th, 2008


The last year had been such a challenge. We have been through a lot with this baby. We have worried about her health (yes we are mostly sure it’s another girl). We have had to go through so many tests and waiting for results.

The latest is that the size of this new one is above the charts. So tomorrow we have to march in there to see if this is a very big baby that I have to c-section or I could still deliver. I am so scared. I do not want a c-section. We do not have much help. This birth will be much harder to recover from with a toddler running around.

Guess it will be a crap shoot or a roll of the die. Pleas let this baby be ok and healthy. Let this be ok on me to be a good mom to both. Trin has had us all to herself for so long, I hope she will adjust ok.

                              Help us please.


October 15th, 2008


In the name of realism, this will be my last letter to you for awhile. We are due in a couple of weeks. I am trying to downsize my life in preparing the whirlwind storm that is to come.

I have loved writing to you. In a way you have been my best friend for all these years. I never want to let go of the idea of you. Crazy that it has been 24 years since you have died. Feels like three lifetimes ago.

I could not say good-bye to you so I will say talk to you later. I must focus on my present. I owe the kids that.

                   I love you more than a million oceans.

                     Love your daughter always,


Letters To My Dead Mother: Congrats again Grandma!

February 25th, 2008


Holy moly! Someone has some sick sense of humor. After being a week late with my period, I made an appointment with my doctor. I have been late before, many times. I was not too worried. I thought it would be the endometriosis again.

Alex teased me and said I should take a pregnancy test. Yeah, right I replied. How could I be preggers again? I have one miracle child. No one is that crazy lucky to get pregnant again. People spend so much money on getting pregnant and adopting because they wanted a kid so badly. I feel so guilty of being pregnant. In fact I was in such denial that after taking the one pregnancy test that I had here, I went out in my pajamas to get more. So in total I took three home tests. I still was not positive that I was pregnant. I was going to wait till the doctors tomorrow to confirm.

How can this happen gain? Is this happening for a reason? The path that I did not chose but chose me? I can’t say that if I could change things that I wouldn’t be a mom. That would be so wrong because I would not know our little girl. For some reason this kid chose us or someone chose us for them.

I really hope that we do ok by them. We were lucky with our oldest for a lot of things.

Please help us and watch over to make sure this baby is healthy too. I hope that all the bad karma is gone and will not harm this family. These kids already have so much baggage they have inherited. They deserve a running shot at the good life.

                            Keep watch mom.K?

                             Thanks. Love you.


May 12th, 2008


The past year with the baby was a blur. When I was pregnant with her I was in fair good health. These past few months have been horrible. I have been so sick. We lost our fourteen year old cat due to cancer. Your mom had a bad fall so she got put in a home. Now, Mother’s day is here. I don’t feel like celebrating. Alex is sick so I am taking care of him and baby girl.

If this at least means that with a horrible pregnancy I will have an easier labor. Since last time was the exact opposite.

Am I bitter? Yes. This one has been harder. I have no time to rest. She does not nap. Then I have to try to keep Alex happy. ARGH! I am going insane.



Letters To My Dead Mother: My heart out there

November 10, 2006


I had to cut off last night’s writings. Trinity did wake up after an hour’s nap. She took another forty minutes to go back to sleep. Just as I was getting her drowsy again Alex came home. He was not upset. Phew. After I put her down I went downstairs. Alex came down it is the day after I asked her first babysitter. I do not feel apprehensive. I do feel anxiety of making sure my sister knows everything. Alex and I are only going to go once she is down and only down the block. I have to let go a little. I know that I do not have to completely let go. That will never happen for the rest of my life.

One piece of freedom I miss right now is being able to grab tickets to go to a concert. We did go to a few. It was Alex that was comfortable staying in town instead of going downtown. I am glad we still went on one last hurrah going downtown to see Phantom Of The Opera. We went out for dinner first then to the show. It was his first opera. The baby kicked a bit during some songs. That makes sense now that we know who was in there. I know one day we will head out again to have nights out. We need to work on a valid list of babysitters.

I do not know if this is a repeat topic but who cares? My love of bags is genetic. You loved your bags very much. I have a lot of bags. They are great because it is one size fits all. Small purses are great for the quick getaways then you can put it in the big bag when you are traveling with your child.

I know why I love expensive lipsticks. I wear glasses so lips are the best thing to feature on my face and dress it up. Plus expensive lipsticks tend to have more natural ingredients. An average one can cost up to thirty dollars. You do not need a mirror to apply (great too if you have your child in one hand).

Finally today is the Friday before a long weekend. We have so desperately been waiting for one. (me especially). We can have more time for us as a family and by ourselves. Oh she is stirring better run.

This morning I am consumed with depression sadness. Maybe it is the rain or the lack of sleep, I do not know. I yelled at our youngest cat who was wailing when she was wailing. It is not his fault I know that. It got to me. I should feel cozy at home on a bad weather day. I feel trapped. I want to cozy under covers with no responsibility and cry my heart out. I am not able to do the simplest thing around here for me or for the house. I thought after two months I would not feel this way but I am. There is no denying that.

I still fight within myself to not eat the house up. I want to lose the ten pounds that I set out to lose. We have ways around the house to exercise so I do a bit.

Alex buys a lot of pasta because it is cheap and easy to make. No wonder I am having problems. I can’t go shopping with Trin because I can’t push her around in a cart. There would be no room for food.

Lately I have had spells of chills. I get icy cold and can not stop shaking. I do not know if it is the weather or depression. I guess I am not too bad on that front because I am writing about it. Denial is half the battle right?

Everything happens for a reason?

The sound of the tires racing thru the streets

The hum of the furnace running thru the house

I do not know where my place is

Here where I thought I would never be?

Or a place still to show itself?

Am I blind or can not see?

Is it true that everything happens for a reason? I do not know my place anymore. I never sought to be a mom. I do not feel the maternal strong instinct that a mom should have towards her child. I do love Trinity with everything I have got. I just do not feel powerful in force. I take care of her as best as I can. Some days I am so grateful for when she naps when I am alone during the day. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? I did not baby sit for so long (for at least sixteen years). What I know is bits or what I have seen on TV or in the malls or making it up. I almost should write her an apology letter now for when she is older. Apologizing for messing her up or not doing something that we did not know we should be doing with her. It is so much work just to go to the mailbox even more so in this weather. I almost was just going to put her in the car to go around the complex to the mailbox. I am scared to go driving because people are crazy in this weather. I do not drive much anymore so I am afraid that I could be careless.

What about when she is older? What am I supposed to do with a toddler before she can go to preschool? Do I let her play only educational games or toys? Can I still let her watch some TV? When should she nap then or have at least quiet time? She does not like going to sleep now what is going to happen later? I need to join a mommy group. I need to make friends with moms. We have no one in our small circle. Friendships are tough when you are trying to get to know your child plus keep your marriage together plus have a smidge of time to yourself. It takes a lot of strength in me to leave the shower every morning. I do not have much time because Alex has to get to work. It is nice and quiet in there. Except this morning when I raced out of the shower and they were both on the bed waiting for me.

What should I do for my time out this weekend? I should not always go to the pub. Maybe I should go to a coffee shop and read my new book? Or write more for the novel. I do need to get the drafts of my other projects edited so I can pitch them out there.

The blinking cursor on the computer screen is like mocking me to stop; to quit. I do not want to quit. I need to work on my PMA. How? When I feel like such a blobby mess. The house is a mess. I am only partially half way thru the novel.

Am I a risk taker? I risked my time to do nothing to write a novel. I dare to dream of life when I get it back from wherever it was. I risked that to get pregnant (though that was beyond my power). Everyone wanted this child in our lives. She is the first great-granddaughter/grandchild and niece. After a grieving year last year having a new life was a breath of fresh air.

Ironically when I was just me I longed for solitude. That is why I loved to write. I craved to be able to have the freedom to write at home. Now I have that but with a child so sometimes it is all I can do to go to the bathroom before I pee my pants. I did too much of that following the delivery (bladder infection).

I ache for those days back. Just one more week. I was done with being pregnant though.

You should have to apply to be a parent. You have to get a license for a car, a dog or a firearm however anyone can be a parent even when they have no right to.

Once again I am writing when I should be sleeping. I want to enjoy tonight when we will all be together. I am writing so I am not glued to the computer trying to play catch up.

Here come the boys right on time. It is only 2:30 and they are awake thinking it is dinner time. I know our new schedule must have messed them up. When we are up in the middle of the night they think it is breakfast time. They are old and young in their jealous sibling type ways.

I almost think I have taken on too much with everything. I had considered to work a little bit to make ends meet however on days like today I could not imagine going to work for four hours on my feet tonight. It is next year when I should concentrate my work outside the home energies.

One goal at a time. I could make a list and each week focus on one thing to cross of at a time. Yes. That is it. I will work on the novel first then look at the next topic. Mind you with Christmas around the corner I am biting off too much again. The New Year will bring more time and boredom. There will be no long weekends for months. I will look for distractions.

What will next year bring? I will not recognize Trinity. I do no think I will wish for her being a newborn again. I will definitely need my energy more then when I have to run around catching her. I will be losing weight thru that. That will be my New Year plan. To get thru this next month then the New Year gets into activities appropriate for the two of us.

It is almost time for my show. Young and the Restless. I remember watching that with you. Some days Trinity is crying thru it. At least having it on keeps me escaping if by theory into another world.

I need to find other things to talk to my husband about. We talk all the time about her or his work. Where are we going to be when we are older and she has moved out of the house? We will just pick up where we left off awhile ago before we became three? We never had much in common at our beginnings either. Somehow we got together thru our attraction to one another. Or was it the fear of being alone forever? Oohh. Deep thoughts. I got to get out more. This weather is depressing. I am so tired now. My hands hurt from some kind of arthritis tightening.

Fifteen minutes till my show. She will probably wake up then knowing the way she plays me. She is a funny character.

I never had been much of a housekeeper. I did warn Alex that the first few months would be hard and that I would need help with the housework. He sees on weekends just how much she needs us. At least we can tag team together. At least he likes coming home. Some dads just find excuses to not to come home after work. The pubs are filled with dads by five o’clock.

If only we could win the lottery. We can hang out lots together. When we were broke we did lots around together and on our own. We hardly ever fought yet felt fulfilled.

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

Tomorrow we will be traveling into Vancouver to see grandma. Despite our past with her I want to go. One reason is I know I will be sad when it is her time to go. Two is because I want my daughter to know her great grandma. The pictures will show to her in the future that there was a great grandmother. Alex’s grandparents live too far and will probably never meet her. The two live in separate seniors home.

Is it true that you take the lessons learned in this lifetime to the next? There is so much in hindsight that I would use to make certain things better. I will not get into it in depth now. Mainly it would be to take more opportunities when I was younger. Taking the bull by the horn, so to speak. To take charge and go down my path and whomever wants to come with me.

I fight within my own brain to figure out what to write about. To get the brain started, to keep it alive; that is what these letters are great for.

shortly after informing me that he went into her room to see her and kiss her good night. That is so sweet. She stirred apparently but did not wake up. I am lucky that he truly wanted this child. It has been a lot of work. I am glad he wants to help when and where he can. We settled down to a couple of drinks which stretched into late hours. At 1:30 this morning I regretted the last glass of wine. I did not regret staying up late because we had great chats mainly about how great we are doing with her. We see other babies and compare. I hope I am not overdoing it with her.

                       Love you bunches,


Letters To My Dead Mother: I try too hard

November 9, 2006


There is one benefit to her being up almost all day crying and fussing; she slept seven hours. At 3:20am I had to get up and pee. Then I realized that she had not woke up yet. I then laid there is bed ready to run in there to make sure she was ok. It was at four that she started to fuss more. She then ate more than she had in one sitting all day yesterday. So I have been up since then but I got a little over six hours sleep. Although I remember waking up in spurts expecting to jump up. You win some you lose some. I do not know which world I want. The world where she sleeps somewhat napping during the day then over seven hours at night. You know the best of both worlds.

We are wrestling with two dilemmas right now. One being the babysitting issue. Who would we trust and when would we do it? She is almost two months. We have not been out as just a couple in that time. Next week is our anniversary. I would like to try to go out for one drink. The compromise that I can figure is to get someone to watch her after she is in bed. We can just go down the block for a celebration drink (quick phoning distance). The ironic thing is that we are trying to be adult and figure out who can care for her in the event that we both pass away. We are having a problem with babysitters let alone guardianship. The number of babysitters is not lack of numbers it is just the trust issue. Not just trust for the babysitter but trust to actually walk away and leave her. I still have a weird time walking away leaving her with Alex. This past week she has wanted to breast feed more. Also I seem to be the only one that can put her to bed. Last night we tried to put her down drowsy. She fought and won. Alex tried to go in there to talk and to feed. She did let out some burps. At that time I was trying to have a bath. It was hard to relax because I could hear her. Eventually I just took her and walked with her in that special way she likes and Volia! She was out. The funny thing is that we thought to try the drowsy thing when we wanted to get it on. So every time we thought she was down for sure we would disrobe then she would cry. So that is a lesson learned.

It is now 5:43am. The house is still quiet. The cats are sitting waiting for me to move to the kitchen for their breakfast. Alex managed to get back to sleep after the three o’clock bottle. I probably should have laid down too but I wanted to take advantage by writing while the house is still. I do have the TV on for background noise. I like the adult type of way the TV makes me feel. It gives me a focus while she is in one of her fussy spells. I should stop word count checking. I keep thinking I am farther ahead than I am. There have been tough days where I can not write a spec of a word. Then there are the days that I am glued here. I jut have to write notes when I can so the times I can sit here then I can spew away. Mmmm. Coffee pot just clicked on. Thank goodness I can have coffee now. Though I have found that I can not have too much. There was this one time that I got jittery. I was so afraid of dropping her that I treated her like a china doll which I do most of the time anyway but you get the idea.

I almost am thinking what am I doing? I can’t write fifty thousand words. I have a newborn. I am trying to find my lost youth dream. Where will this novel go after it is done? I can not leave it unfinished. It will join all my other half projects incompletes. I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!! I just think I should have tried this next year. There goes my oldest cat looking for attention. Cat walling. He sounds in pain. Trinity is finally sleeping. This morning is a little better beginning than yesterday. She did not sleep as I mentioned.

Did I mention that I do not like having to be a grown-up? I could not imagine how teenage moms do it. Poor parents. I could not imagine once you think your child is only a few years from moving out then poof! You will be a grandparent. Then you are starting all over again. We know many friends who did that. Now watch Trinity do that. Karma or careful what you say. I hope we can raise her at least to use the pill and condoms. I can not say save yourself because Alex was my first at sixteen (he was nineteen). Those are gong to be a lot of talks.

One thing I do have to be careful is when we do have sex that we do not become pregnant too soon. We do not use birth control. What we do is not foolproof. We have decided that we will stop at one child. Alex does not like me on the pill because he says the hormones are crazy.

It just hit me. What we have gone thru is hard and great all the while. What about the poor military families that are dedicated to our country who have never held their kids? Many families have the babies while the dads are back on duty. Yikes. I have heard horror stories about women who have gone thru c-sections at certain hospitals are not able to hold their own child for over a day. There was one lady in our prenatal class who had that happen to her. She gave birth in a hospital where the nursery was in another section. Her mother was telling her how her own son liked to be held. Thank god we gave birth in a place where our girl roomed with us which is also where I delivered her. Why do hospitals do that?

My hands are hurting from writing. (Arthritic I think).

Today is Thursday. It is just us girls. At least this weekend is a three day weekend. It might help me get thru till he is off for a week at Christmas. I can not wait till Christmas. No retail hell for me. I need to figure out how to get thru so I do not have to do it next year or ever. I may have to part time. We will need money. It will depend on how well Alex and Trinity do on their own. Look at last night. Next week Alex is sending me to the spa for a post partum massage. I want to go however if I have to come home to put her to bed it will erase all my relaxation. They are going to have to do it. It can be hard work. Mommy can’t come to the rescue all the time.

We have decided to ask my sister to baby sit on our anniversary after Trin goes down for the night. We need to for us. We do not get much time alone. I can’t wait. It will be hard however I know that my sister is as paranoid as I am so she will call about anything. Once Trinity goes down she is down for a few hours. I will just have to work hard to get her down that night.

My life list as of today:

1.Raise a beautiful caring daughter

2. Have a longevity marriage perhaps the longest ever on record

3. Publish a book(s)

4. Have a speaking part in a movie

5. Learn sign language

6. Travel to an exotic warm location with a beach

7. Have a house on the water

8. be happy in my own skin so my daughter will emulate that

9. Read a whole book in a day

10. Go to Disneyland

11. Design more purses to sell in stores

12. Spend a whole day in a spa

13. Have a dinner in a very fine five star restaurant

14. Be retired from day job type life young.

15. Learn how to ride a bike.

16. Fly first class on a minimum two hour flight.

There that should so it for now. Some people have longer lists. I will work on that to start. 😉

Today I tried on another pair of pre-pregnancy pants. I did have to suck in my gut but they do fit! I had to unbutton the top button while at home but I just can not bring myself to take them off. I am so tired of track pants albeit comfort. In fact these pants are size fifteen regular fit that I have not comfortably worn since a year ago. Yeah me. Last year this time between my birthday and Christmas I indulged every day. Now I am still wearing some of that baggage.

My second victory of the day is that when we went out for a walk I was tempted to buy a bag of chips and chocolate. I did not. Instead I bought a diet pop and a Weight Watcher magazine that had holiday tips. And it is only noon. What could happen next?

Trinity is still sleeping from the walk so that is why I am able to write this now. My word count is doing better on my novel at least. We got an email from the dude running the novel contest. He mentions to not to quit right now. If you are going to quit then do it next week. Great ploy. Next week if I think of quitting then I would be like the month is almost up why quit now. Even if my mind is a blank.

Flukily and frighteningly Trinity went down at six pm. Flukily cause she has never done that  cause I may be in for a long night as the day was today and yesterday. She did not cry as much as yesterday but pretty darn close. I am trying to get everything done as fast as possible so I can wind down. I really wish I had a glass of wine handy now to mellow out. She could be up any minute or in four, five hours. There was that time we put her in the bassinet at 6:30 and she woke up at one am. That is why even though it was only six pm I put her in the crib just in case. Now I wish Alex were home so we could enjoy each other like last night only earlier. But it is guys’ night. I stupidly called him to see if he was done. I could tell by his voice that he was not. I sent him a text apologizing. I just figured it out. I am so not used to being alone. She is still down (it is 7:10pm) although I think she will be up because she is making noises. She will be hungry and probably wet. It is so strange for me to be alone. I worked my but off to get the have-to-dos done and now I am idle. I want to do so much and yet nothing at the same time. There is hockey on.

I did ask my sister if she would baby sit for our anniversary. She said yes. Though I probably would not have expected a no. I still want to go thru things

                                      Exhausted but happy,


Letters To My Dead Mother: reality without you

November 8th, 2006


I thought I was going to lose my mind this morning. As I was trying to make her formula she started in on a crying fit. The pitch that would make a stranger think we were torturing her. Then she just collapsed in my arms asleep. My ears are ringing still. It has been seven weeks and I still can not get used to the high pitched crying. She did it when we were in the bookstore. Every mom in the place came over and oohed and ahhed while I was trying to console her. She did it in the bathroom when I was trying to change her. Poor little girl is so tired she does not understand how to get herself asleep.

There was one victory today so far. She fell asleep in my arms after breastfeeding (second time in an hour and ten minutes). She woke up so I walked around with her. She was still a little tired and awake so I put her in the bassinet which is in the living room. I talked to her then walked away for a minute. When I went back her arms were spread and she was asleep! Yay me! I need to work on this more so then if she wakes up in the night she may not be hungry or wet she would be able to go back to sleep. With any luck and a lot of hrs work we all can sleep thru the night. I pray for that every day especially when she has her umpteenth crying fit.

I found myself foraging for sugar again today. It is not only for low energy but a stress reliever. I am not able to write with her in my arms much. I read, watch TV, write a little and walk when the weather is ok. I do not have much else. When Alex comes home I try to spend time with him. I feel split some days because I want to spend some time alone doing things I am not able to do when she is awake during the day. Then I do miss him. Not just for sex, I miss hanging out playing card games which gives him such joy so it gives me joy.

I have just read some of this. What crap? Who is going to want to read this? I am censoring myself to a point. I know it has bothered Alex that I am typing about my life. He knew that I used his real name which I now changed. Those who know me will recognize a lot here. It is wrong to stop myself. I am not helping my healing spirit. Like. Oh. I might as well open up. I had a weird dream. It is a little foggy. I was in the middle of an orgasm when all of a sudden I heard Alex’s voice asking what I was doing as I was reaching over and there was Trinity. Now there could be psychologists saying that my hormones are still getting back to normal so therefore my libido was getting back or even better. I am still creeped out a little because I think something might have been wrong with me. I woke up in bed with Alex beside me asleep. I fear that there was something even deep rooted that I do not remember in my subconscious. Whoa do heavy man. Life is just starting to get better in small spurts. Trinity’s first Christmas is just weeks away. We are not prepared as much as we can be when I was able to just go out to do stuff with more money. Working at a mall made me insane to get Christmas stuff over with so I could just relax on breaks and off time. It has been thirteen minutes and she is still asleep. Now I want some chips. Must keep writing. Write crap. Write anything to keep me hands moving. I had a small lunch. I need to still lose some weight before I gain it over Christmas. Unfortunately I am not able to lose as much weight if I was able to full time breastfeed. That was one of the perks. (though at the end of the benefit list for me). I can’t stand the questions from other moms regarding breast feeding. It is like they are trying to convert me, as if I chose not to breast feed full time. It is inconceivable to them that anyone would not want to do it all the time. I still wish I could. Thankfully she still wants my milk a few times a day. Though I think it is more for soothing and not actual nutrition. I will take any special time I can. Maybe one chip with a Diet Coke. I sure love being able to drink those again. I could not find out if it was ok while pregnant so I cut it out. I do not miss the sugar sodas. I am sure that is why I gained a fair bit along the waistline.

I broke down. I am so weak. There is nothing like the small of a Wavy Lay’s potato chip. So I had a cereal bowl full with a Diet Coke. A balanced snack. They are not too salty or greasy. And at last the chips are not as fat as the old stuff.


Letters to My Dead Mother:Halloween week

October 31, 2006


Progress report:

Her first Halloween. She is going thru another growth spurt. She cat napped yesterday minutes at a time, ate and cried the whole day. I hate Mondays. My lack of sleep the night before waned my sanity by three pm. Then the boys started their cries. Can you hear my head hurt? I was expecting some grief because it was Monday.


November 2, 2006


I decided to take the plunge and challenge myself to write another novel. I am crazy. I have a six week old to take card of. I felt obligated to go out but just have not gotten around to it. It is too wet and too cold. It is a day to stay in. I think Trinity’s got a cold. She ate a little yesterday. She cried A LOT yesterday and did not sleep much. I am so bagged. She did sleep last night for almost seven hours. I slept five myself – in a row! She woke up at three am! This morning she slept a bit more too. Still more crying! It is now two pm and she has been awake a fair bit. I already did my daily word count for the novel contest. Two days into it so far so good. Today is Thursday. Alex’s night out. Eep. I do not like it but I encouraged it for him. The worst time of the day here to be alone is five pm. Every one including me wants to be fed. She is fussy eating, I’m hungry and the cats need feeding.



November 4th, 2006


Today is the first day that I truly feel better about myself. I have had wonderful sex with Alex (that is a whole other topic).After I got dressed I decided to try a pair of jeans I have not worn since being two and a half months pregnant. They fit! I almost screamed and danced! But I remembered that Trinity was asleep right down stairs. I was prepared to wear track pants forever. Wearing size fifteen pair of jeans regular fit never felt so good. That will keep me in check to watch what I eat. The jeans could use a little extra room. They do stretch nicely. When I sit I still feel my spare tire. I feel so much more alive and almost back to my old self a year ago. Except I am still tired. Been up since four am. Tonight we are trying to gear up to go see Steve for his fortieth birthday dinner. Am I in survival mode for sleep? I am on second gears.

                                     Love u,


November 7th, 2006


The cure for post partum has to be sleep. I have been awake since three am this morning (the time is now nine am). During the last crying fit I started to cry. I try so hard to not cry in front of her I was trying to squelch it. I ended up attempting to hum to try and get her asleep and ended up shaking in tears. I am still in tears now as I write this. She was up so much last night. Awake at midnight then at three. The sad thing is I almost called on anybody to watch her so I could get some sleep. Only I see myself not sleeping if someone was over because I would worry and jump if she cried. How I am going to get thru this? It will only bring other challenges. When she will only nap a short bit when she gets older, how am I going to enrich her days? I will have to learn about educational stuff. I want her to be sensory challenged. Maybe I just have to wait for my other career stuff (writing). I met a woman who had four sons who also was a single mom. I do not know how people do it. I am so tired. She is sleeping now. I could not sleep myself so I am here trying to write my thoughts to get it out. Hoping to get my emotions out in a safe manner so I can go back to helping her be a great girl. I wonder how my grandma did it with five girls. Mind you, she was not alone nor had them all at once. You, the oldest, helped out. I guess that is how moms can have many because the older ones can help out. That in itself does not seem fair. It is the parents who decided to have kids so why should their other babies have to do grown up things. I have seen many kids having to skip out being a kid just to help out at home. I am one of those. When I was seven I had to help out you (when you were wheelchair bound due to all the chemo) with my sister and the house at night when my dad was working. I did grow up too fast. I never did many kids activities still have a problem with wanting to eat anything. Today the reason would be to keep awake. I think I will try to close my eyes now and have the TV on.

I just finished watching an Oprah show. It was about people making dreams come true. They had on a girl who lived in Sierra Leone. While running from the guerillas one grabbed her and chopped her left arm off from the elbow. Her mother tried to stop them and got her own chopped off in the process. Her mother carried her six year old daughter for three days looking for help. The daughter eventually got adopted by a wonderful African couple from the states. The girl had not seen her mother in six years. Well in Oprah fashion she brought her mother out. The producers worked on getting her mother to the States for four months. There is so much red tape to bring people to better lives. I started to ball my eyes out. I had just picked up Trinity to try and calm her down. I was holding her in my arms while I was watching the segment. I can totally relate to that. I would give my life for my daughter. In a heartbeat, not even that long, I would jump in front of her and evil.

The rain finally stopped enough for the sun to come out and stay out. Go figure. Trin had a longer nap while it was beginning to get sunny. I waited and waited. By the time I was going to call it a lost cause she woke up. I fed her and packed ourselves up and hit the road. We had a great walk. We went to a local clothing store. She started to fuss while we were in there. I knew she had to be changed so I grabbed a few tops to try on. Because we were with a stroller they gave me the largest change room. I flipped her out of the seat and pulled out the change pad and changed her right there. I ended up trying a top on that was on extra sale. I walked home with a new top. I know who cares about the size on the tag; it is just how it properly fits. On the way home I called up the hubby to invite him out for dinner at his favorite place. It took a bit of effort but we made it out. We barely got there when we were swarmed by the waitresses that knew my husband. They would not leave our table. Then two wanted to hold her. Alex looked at me as if to say it was ok by him. I do not like it but I relented since he enjoys coming here with his friends. We got our food when she needed to be changed. Of course. We traded her off after that so we could feed ourselves. Then she started to fuss so I got up and walked her around. She fell asleep in my arms. We finished our meals and put her in her car seat. She was happy for a bit so we had a second drink. I had so much fun regardless. Just getting out on a weekday night was exhilarating. It was fun to dress up and clean up to go out. We got her home and into her crib. Within a half an hour she was awake. She is awake now (8:20pm) watching Alex play his Xbox. After her waking up last night at midnight I just sensed it was going to be a long day. I was right. By ten thirty this morning I felt like it should have been three o’clock in the afternoon. What I am grateful for is that my favorite soap, Young and the Restless, has a character that is going thru the post partum stage. Her newborn is only weeks old. Some of the stuff they showed got to me. I could totally relate. Makes me wonder if you put that there for me. She watched the show so much while she was here that I think she was reaching thru the show to tell me it is ok. Other women go thru it too, some even worst than me. Thanks mom. I hear ya. It is no substitute for having you right here. I still would rather have that. Mind you, then we would not have my other mom May. My fairy godmother ended up being my foster mom. We continue the relationship to the point of surrogacy. We are her children and she is now a grandma. The life I have now is a large credit to her. I could have ended up in one bad relationship after another; anything to escape home. I could have been pregnant then in the process, drugged out, drunk and on welfare. It is because I was allowed to be a teenager with her that I did party like a teen. I did meet my husband during that time.



Letters To My Dead Mother: First 6 weeks being a mom

October 28th, 2006


I gave it my best shot. I did well. Yesterday all three ladies went out for shopping and lunch. Marge (Alex’s mom) spoiled me. Trinity was great. Marge did try to baby-sit many times. I wonder if she was trying to bribe me especially when she offered to send me to the spa? Funny cause that is what I probably would do. It is 6:30 am on Saturday and I can not sleep. Alex is a loud snorer. Marge is in our living room so we can’t go down yet. The boys are on our bed and now scratching and whining at her door looking for their breakfast. Trinity is asleep too. Guess I will be the tired one today which means being the fun one. God my stomach is so flabby. I still look pregnant. At least we are attempting and getting ‘some’. I still feel frumpy and ugly. A big blob.

Now it is so quiet. I can’t hide anywhere. Our youngest cat is going over the squirt gun at the front of the door and is trying to slide under the door. It is hard for them too. They are used to the household being up by now. I guess my clock is like that too. I got the blind’s open in her room waiting for daylight. I am glad we do not have guests too often or we will need to clean up the office and let them stay there. I feel trapped and lonely. I think I chatted Marge’s ear off yesterday. I am going to try and shut my eyes now.

I had the house to myself for the first time since Trinity was born. I took a long hot shower, did my hair, and put on my make-up. Unbelievable! It felt so good. I feel human. Still with the house to myself I did housework! Will I ever learn? I am such a housewife (not a great one but one).

I feel delightfully buzzed again. It is Saturday night at nine pm. I am still up and awake and do not care. It has been a great week. Trinity has been delicious. She has been talking and focusing more on things. She will be six weeks in a few hours. This time six weeks ago I was wondering why I got pregnant. I was in the assessment area waiting to be escorted to my room. Today was May’s fifty seven birthday. I was stoked to give her an opportunity to hang out with us all. I am loving the fact that the pants I bought two and a half weeks ago are now really loose. I discovered another chance to self publish. I just need the cash to do it at Chapters. This feels so like old times. Alex doing his own thing and I am doing mine with no other responsibility.