Month: April 2013

Hard to say no: Why not having a Grandma is tough

Posted in #autism, moms, Motherless Mama, Motherless Mom1 Comment

Biting my lip, I say good-bye to my precocious 6 year-old daughter. I remind her to mind her manners, stay safe and have fun on the field trip. Her face is crumpled in a frown. She asks again if I can come for the day trip, two towns away. I remind her that I do not have someone to take care of her sister and drive her to therapy and school. I hug her and wish her a good day. She goes into class and starts chatting with her friends.

Her young sister is pulling my hand in the direction of the walk home. My heart hurts again for not being able to balance between my girls. I feel like my older one always gets the short end of my time.  Her sister’s therapy and preschool schedule keeps me busy.  I long to have an extra helper so I can devote my energy solely towards her.

The warm sun does nothing to heal my heart and soul. Life would be easier if they had a grandma near that could help out. It is not their fault.

I unlock the front door and let us in. My hand remains on the door. I say a silent message to her to have a good time. In a few short months her sister will be in the same school. I hope life can be better balanced. I am lucky to work at home so I can be there as much as I can.

My thoughts run wild as I prep the therapy room while my young one is anxiously waiting for her therapist. Yes, I can only be stretched so far. Sacrifices are made at the expense of another.  My only hope is that as they grow older they will not remember what I didn’t do, but that I was there every day being their cheerleader. Just like my mom, even from her wheelchair before she died.  I will have a special snack waiting for her after school.

Writing feeds a Hunger: Freestyle Poem

Posted in Motherless Mama, Motherless Mom, Uncategorized1 Comment

Pad of Paper and Pen

To write daily

Is to breathe emotions,

To feed a void, a hunger.

Pen over calories

To write at all

Is the prevent pent-up anger,

Frustrations, mis-placed arguments

Find a health vice

To write is to keep sane

In a world where I feel

Displaced, not the driver

Nowehere to go

My pen helps me write

What I can not say, giving up

My pen has no conditions

And puts me at a priority

Then why do I avoid it?

Excuse of my over-crowded life.

In Your Face Autism

Posted in #autism, moms, Motherless Mama, Motherless Mom5 Comments

shopping cart

The blood is racing through my body to the point I think it is going to burst my veins. My hands grip the shopping cart handle as I whisk us away from the older man. I feel light, euphoric even.  Surreal does not even begin to describe it. For once, I said the right thing at the right time.

Minutes ago my four-year-old raced ahead of me in the grocery aisle. She accidently bumped an older gentleman’s basket. He was not hurt at all. I caught up to her as she raised her arms to indicate for me to pick her up. I scoop her into the cart. The man that she bumped came up beside me and grumbled that those kids should not be contained but punished for what she did.

Without taking a breath I looked at him and said, “ Did someone teach you to be an asshole or does it come naturally?”

Walking away, I am stunned at what I said. For years since my youngest was diagnosed, I bit my tongue when ignorant comments or unsolicited advice would be dropped in front of me. I am not trying to be on a soapbox and make everyone be aware of autism and it’s many gifts and challenges.  All I ask is that she be given the same respect as others expect her to give them.

I do not swear or call people bad names very often. I want to show my kids that mom does use her words. In this case, I do not regret standing up for my kid, who doesn’t know how do that for herself. Ironically, I did not see that man as we finish our shopping. I pack up the car and buckle her in. She gives me a big kiss and hug. Her direct eye contact is a new gift. Maybe she knew what happened just now and she is thanking me in her way. Never mess with a Mama Bear. In your face Autism.

I Am So The Boss Of You: An 8-Step Guide to Giving Your Family the “Business”

Posted in Book reviews, Mommy minute, moms, Motherless MamaLeave a comment

I am so the boss of youI Am So The Boss Of You

An 8-Step Guide to Giving Your Family the “Business”

By Kathy Buckworth

Helicopter Parenting? Ferber Kids? Free-Range Parenting? Tiger Mom? Are you tired of all the parenting options and just want to be the boss? When you want to learn how to play tennis you go to a pro, when you want to learn how to run a fine-tuned-household you ask a mom of many. CEO of her family, Kathy Buckworth, has laid it all out in 8-step business plan.

“ You are not the boss of me.” Do those seven words sound familiar? While Kathy was in the middle of a business meeting, it dawned on her how to intergrate the business structure into her own household. Why do parents work so hard to find that perfect way to parent when the perfect model is right in front of us? It operates efficiently, effectively and yes, financially.

She asks the question, “ So why are some of us willing to hand over the reins of power to an Infant? A Toddler? A Preschooler? Public schooler, Tween or Teen?”

This is especially true as now the products of the original Democratic and Helicopter parents are entering the workforce. They can do no wrong. They get trophies and medals for simply ‘showing up.’

“It’s instructive to contrast the idea of Democratic Parenting with what I like to call, with some authority I might add, Autocratic Parenting. The kids still have some rights”

Kathy writes out the advantages of Autocratic Parenting, which includes: expectations are clearly laid out and consequences need to be followed through.  The book goes into depth about this way of parenting.

She takes you through an 8-step guide for being the boss of your family. From figuring out your family brand to structure charts to keep you organized, think of this as a management textbook for your family.

Kathy walks you through the Social Media world by breaking some of the popular platforms down and shows you how to make it work for you. It is simple.

With all the Parenting books out there, it can seem overwhelming on what to do for you and your kids. This approach is very easily attainable. There is something for everyone in the book to learn about. In particular, my sore neglect is putting ‘ME’ into the goal plan. Now off to do just that, with a glass of Chardonnay and a locked bathroom door.

Buy her book for you and any mom who needs help. This would also make a great Mother’s Day gift.

What to Say and Not to an Autism Warrior Parent

Posted in #autism, birth moments, Marriage, moms, Motherless Mom3 Comments

I know I should have thicker skin when it comes to snide remarks. I know I should let it roll off my back. I know I shall expect it again. It makes my brain go into what people should say. They are:

5 things Not to Say to an Autism Parent

  1. Everything happens for a reason.
  2. At least the child is healthy.
  3. That must be tough.
  4. Can’t you control your kid? ( or the nasty glances.)
  5. I don’t know how you do it.
  6. This kid is born to you because you are strong and can handle it all.

5 things to say to an Autism Parent

  1. How are you?
  2. Can I babysit sometime?
  3. Your kid is wonderful/smart/delightful.
  4. The world is a better place with your kid in it.
  5. _______________________________________

I wish to put this on a laminated card to hand out when people approach me . I wonder what the fifth thing that should be on that list.

What would you say to a parent with a child on the spectrum that is positive?

A Heartfelt Journey to Motherhood: Instant Mom by Nia Vardalos

Posted in Book reviews, Loss Of My Mom, moms, Motherless Mama3 Comments

Insant_MomWhen I saw the call-out for parent bloggers to review Nia Vardalos’s book, Instant Mom, I jumped at the chance. Sure, I am a fan of her writing her way to Hollywood. And yes, I love that she is a Canadian girl. The real reason I wanted to read her book on finding her daughter was because her and husband, Ian, adopted through the US Foster Care system. As a former foster kid myself, I was intrigued.

Being very tenacious and assertive in all aspects of her life, Nia writes, “ I just never accepted the word “no.” The fact that I’m a working actress and writer is simply because I am incredibly stubborn.”

This memoir about her 10-year path to her daughter is raw and honest with a hint of her genuine humour. Before she was known for her role as the Greek Bride, Nia wanted to be a mom.  While her career soared, at home the treatments to get pregnant and the multiple miscarriages became roadblocks to motherhood. Her search for her child is similar to many moms-to-be around the world. While going through the experience of adopting, Nia pondered whether to be an adoption spokesperson or a blabbermouth. A social worker told her point blank, “We’ve been waiting for a longtime for someone like you.”

Nia reveals so many vivid moments, like finding out about her Oscar nomination for My Big Fat Greek Wedding while on route to the fertility clinic for yet another treatment. Her body was bloated with all the fertility drugs that were needed for the course.  Within the pages, she breaks the wall of infertility silence that many women hide. “Infertility has taken my confidence, drained the joy from me.” She reveals.

After attempting the various ways to have a baby, Nia learned about adopting through Foster Care in the US. By way of a connection through Rosie O’Donnell, she found out that there are as many prospective parents out there as there are adoptable children.  In fact, there are over 500,00 kids in Foster Care in the US., and over 129,000 of them are legally ready to be adopted.  The book gives many answers to tough questions about fos-adopt. The sobering fact is that there are many kids who eventually age out of the foster care system without a family to call their own.

Instant is such a poignant title as you read this book. The decade path to being a mom,then, whammo, she has 14 hours to prepare for her daughter to come home. In the first chapter, titled ‘Birth’, she writes about the moment she felt her heart beating with her daughter’s.

Nia talks about her marriage to Ian Gomez and how the Hollywood life and fatherhood has been for him. Not having family in LA made it challenging for her until she built her Core of friends. As her best friend, Kathy Greenwood, told her on the phone, “Giving birth is not what makes you a mom.” For Ian, after their daughter being home for a few days, had the realization that she is exactly who the two of them would of made.

Nia writes in the present tense, which makes the new mom moments very real and relatable. They are rich in detail, from sleep-deprived days, co-sleeping, weaning bottles and raising a daughter in LA. She does not like the term ‘adoptive mom’ because,  ‘once you’ve wiped a butt, you’re a mom.’ Every child comes with it’s own take on the world and challenges. An innocent child just needs love.

“ The fear of the unknown can be a powerful deterrent from anyone adopting.  Again, I am not suggesting parenthood is for everyone, so if you feel it’s not for you, I agree your life will also be wonderful without kids. But if fear is stopping you, please don’t let it.” Says Nia.

She also includes an informative resource section at the back of the book on how to adopt.

As a former foster kid, I can go on and on about this book. Proceeds from this book will go to charities who help kids get adopted.  It is a fascinating read as a gift to yourself, or anyone, regardless of being a parent or not. Nia does write about that one time John Corbett walks into a bar…

BUY THE BOOK HERE! SEE THE TRAILER!

Stay tuned to this blog next week when I share my interview with Nia. We chatted about kids, Hollywood and more!