September 22, 1988
After keeping my friend Carrie company by dropping off resumes a couple of days ago, I got a call for an interview. I got a job at a local women’s clothing store. It will be great, I thought. I would be out of the house more plus earn some cash! The women were a little harsh especially the ones who were in grade 12. I went up the bonus structure fast. My grades were adequate to what could be. I am having so much fun. The discounts are great too!
See you soon,
October 18th, 1988
Mary came home today and asked us if we all wanted to be in a bridal fashion show!!!! She works as a dressmaker at a bridal salon and they needed some models for an upcoming show. Yeah! He said we could. We get out hair done and make-up done. I asked for some tips cause I never have done anything except the skating shows. So we get to do them next Spring!!
Maybe this is my way out! If someone sees me..who knows!!!
August 15th, 1988
I know I say this lot. I wish you did not have to die. I wish you were here. Maybe we would have been living with you and not him. I do not know how you could have stayed with him.
I have so many questions that only a mom can answer-my mom. Like how were your periods? I have always had very heavy and painful periods. It is so gross. I hate it when I have them at school cause I have to take my purse to the bathroom and everyone knows why. I have messed up so many pairs of underwear cause they come at weird times plus really heavy. I have to throw them out or try to clean them myself. They don’t allow me to take many painkillers cause of whatever. I try to buy them at the store when I can. They only help a little bit. If they continue then Mary promised me to take me to the doctor because there might be something wrong.
Today is the fourth anniversary of your death. We had to get up early to go with dad to take flowers to your grave. Then he took us out to lunch some place near there. It feels like such a farce. It feels like it was a lifetime ago that we were a happy family. I miss going to the skating rink and when I did a jump for the first time I would look up to see you cheering. You never cared if I did not go all the way to the nationals. You just wanted me to have fun. And I did. I don’t even open my mouth much at home anymore. What is the point? I antagonize him just by being. He claims that I just provoke him which is partly true only cause I exist. I still don’t think that I deserve the hits. There have been a few times. Katie got the strap once. I got a lot of different things thrown at me. Sometimes it has been his hand. Surprisingly he always misses my face but gets my arms and legs where I can wear clothes.
I am a reminder of you? No one tells me if I look like you. I see pictures of you growing up and I don’t see a resemblance. I want to write in a diary of all my feelings but I am afraid that if I do they will find it and accuse me of whatever. I know kids don’t want their parents much when they are a teenager. I never got that chance with you to choose if I wanted to misbehave or not. I don’t go out with friends (they are long gone. I can’t bring them over). So therefore I don’t party, drink or do drugs. Never had the interest. I wonder if I should try it people seem to like it a lot. Dad and Mary always have a box of wine in the fridge and he has beer all the time.
Sorry to depress you. You are the only one I can talk to and you can’t answer back.
I do love you.
March 23rd, 1987
The wedding. Let’s see. It was civil. In a new church on the first day of spring and all that lovey crap. We had to wear lavender poofy dresses that she made. The morning before the ceremony we went to her hairdresser and got old lady poofy hairdos to match. I was allowed to put on a little bit of make-up. And let’s not forget the pasted on smile. I could tell her kids did not want to be there. Well at least we had that in common. They don’t care much for us because we are his kids. The reception was all right. I thought having her here would have made him calm down a bit and lay off me but it didn’t. If it’s not my weight now (my dress had to be let out around the bust and hips), to not knowing how to make dinner (no one shows me!) and whatever strikes him on the spot. Thankfully we stayed with his folks while they were on their honeymoon. We get to do what we want, eat what we want and watch what we want. Every thirteen year old that I know has problems and grows in the boobs. He now takes away treats as punishment to go along with all the other things he grounds me for. So I spend what little allowance I get to stash some chocolate or chips to have when he is not around. It’s the only pleasure I get in this hell. It is really time to learn how the hell to get out of here.
Till next time.
June 10th, 1987
It was so bad last night. It was a screaming match when he got home at midnight. He ran into my room and slammed the door open-waking everyone up. I did not even know what irked him this time. He was not even home more than two minutes. Mary must have gotten to him earlier. It was my grades. I was failing one class. A class that did not even count!!!He pulled all my stuff of the dresser and threw it around the room. Mommy-he broke the double striped mirror that you gave me. The last thing you gave me. Some of the shards of glass hit my face.The TV, books and other stuff I did not care about. Even thou- I earned money for the little TV. It was like you died all over again. I am so trapped! Thankfully I had just re-hid these letters last night so he did not find them to destroy. There were bits of books, glass and porcelain shards everywhere. I was not even allowed to make any noise to clean up because he had to go to sleep. Never mind that he just woke us all up on a school night.
I have never felt so alone. I think he wishes that I died and not you.
October 12th, 1986
Some days I think I should call you my Birth Mother. Dad and Mary announced their engagement at my birthday dinner that we had at a restaurant that we all used to go to. They took your parents aside and told them first. They did not even tell me that they were going to do that. Then they went back and told the rest of the table. At my 13th birthday party! I have nothing that is mine! Now I am supposed to be happy that I am getting anew mom. Nobody asked me that you could leave and nobody asked me if I wanted a new mom. I like the one mom that I had – you. Oh yeah- did I mention that Jackie is back with us again. I found out more of why she left. None of her sisters and brother and their families like dad. Their mom and dad were together a very long time. They were barely divorced when Mary and Jena moved in. I try to suck it up and deal with all this and put a smile on my face. I try to think of when I could leave all of this. I don’t know how or when I can leave this nightmare. This is jail with no chance of parole. No one wants to hear my problems. No one cares enough of what has been going on here. I am too afraid to ask or know what to do. It could make things worst here is I tell what has been going on. Or worst- I could still be stuck here. I am only kept to be blamed on for everything.
If only you could send me a sign of what to do!
April 18th, 1986
After a big blow out dad had with the nanny she quit. No sooner than she drove away he said he wanted to ask Mary to move in with us with her daughter who is a year older than me. You have been gone for over a year and a half, I got braces, I got my period and now a new mom is trying to replace you. Not to mention she is bringing in another daughter and her foster son. This is not the same house that we practiced my skating moves or you would drill me on my spelling words. It is a hell house! I once again have to share my room, now with the daughter and Katie gets her old room back!! I am the middle kid here. Dad has Katie for his baby and Mary has Jackie. I constantly have to pick up constantly like Cinderella. That is the only reason why I am here? We get shipped off to the grandparents a lot. I guess when we are in the way. When we are with your parents we go to church on Sundays. They were so sad when you died. I don’t get how they can like God after taking you. I hate God. According to their minister “everything happens for a reason. It’s all part of a master plan.” How can it be part of God’s plan to take you from us and make all these changes? Did he mean that I deserved Dad’s abuse? I do not know what I am being punished for. What did I do? I do not know how to get out of this hell. I can’t wait years till I get legally leave. I am being summoned again! I must have left a napkin on the counter. AARRGGHH!!!
May 20th, 1986
Last night when Mary and Dad were at work, Jackie left in a taxi with her bags. She had not told her mom but her sisters and brother knew. All she said to me was she would talk to me later. I called dad at work, which I never do, and told him what had happened. He did not sound surprised. He said they expected it. He called Mary to let her know. They both said that I did the right thing by calling. I just made sure that Katie got ready for bed and then they were home. I did not not like Jackie. I barely knew her. We went out sometimes with her friends. Everyone keeps leaving and I don’t know if it is me or the badness that surrounds this house.
I don’t know what to do anymore.
February 7th, 1985
I do not know how to tell you this but I think you should know that dad has started dating ALREADY. He is going to dances and coffees with OTHER women. I don’t even know what that means – ‘coffees’. He says you two talked about it and he didn’t want to be alone. You have barely been gone. I think he is lonely because it is almost Valentine’s Day. I don’t want him to be alone either if you didn’t. Things keep changing and changing. It is really hard to take it all in. I barely remember the crock pot dinners and our movie nights. I vaguely remember your voice. Katie does not ask for you. I think she has forgotten a lot. I miss you so much. I would give every last cent of mine for the rest of my life to have you here even for a day.
Love you more than a million oceans.
January 12th, 1985
Dad is really angry all the time now. I can’t sleep in case he storms in to wake me up to give me heck for doing something or not even doing something that I did not even know I was/wasn’t supposed to do. It might be small like a D on one class or not cleaning one dish completely. He treats Katie so much better than he treats me. He treats her like she is still a baby. I am so sick of hearing things like” oh she’s so young to not have her mom around. Poor thing.” What about me!!???!!?? It’s going to be still years till I can move out. I can’t get out of the house much with friends cause he grounds me constantly. I have to ask days in advance if I want to go to the mall with anyone. He controls everything in my life. There is no one I can really talk to like you. You can’t help me really now. Some days I think that life would be better with you and not him. Would I even be able to find you? Is heaven really big? Cripes! He’s yelling again. Better go.
December 25th, 1984
It’s our first Christmas without you. There are little decorations up. Dad told me last week that you left a lot of bills so I could only pick one present. I had to help him pick a few things for my baby sister because she still believes in Santa Claus. I have not believed since last year so I really didn’t care. I just don’t care to celebrate anymore. On top of it all, we are at your parents’ house for Christmas because Dad had to work or he did not want us home. I don’t know what else to say so I will say Merry Christmas. I have to help set up for the big dinner tonight.
October 10th, 1984
Today I turned eleven years old. It was so weird not celebrating with you. That smile you get when we open presents that you picked out to really surprise us. The big house parties. The games. We just went to the local restaurant that we used to go a lot with the aunts, uncles, grandparents and a few cousins. Grandma made my favorite-carrot cake. It was so hard to pretend for everyone that I was happy. Who cares about a birthday anymore? I did get some money and clothes.
When will we ever see each other again? I hope soon. I wish you could tell me stuff. Well I guess I should turn off the flashlight (I am trying to not disturb Katie). No one knows that I write these to you. I hide them in a box of my baby clothes.
Hope you got a piece of my birthday cake.