Danielle Christopher

January 15^th, 1990

Mom,

It has been a whirlwind of social awakening for me. I had a wonderful Christmas holidays. Traveled around town, visited with friends and rested. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did go to a few parties. I only tired a few drinks but nothing too outrageous. I am out on permanent parole! I have to go on the bus to school but its fine. It’s a small price to pay getting up early to make it. The bad weather kind of sucks. But like I said it is a small price to pay. I feel like I have to go backwards to catch up what childhood I missed. However I do not know if I can really do that because things have so changes within me that there may not be going back. I just feel like I should have gotten Katie out too. Even though it sounds like she has them all to herself and is not complaining. I am not sure if everything is right there. I hope she will tell me. And soon.

  Oops. It is really late and a school night. Must be responsible.

                           Nicole

February 14^th, 1990

Dear Mommy,

 Yuck. Boys suck! I do not know why I was trying to get dating when there are such losers around. I hooked up with this guy at a party. (Don’t worry we just made out, mild stuff. But then you may have already known that). Things were going ok. Then I found out he did drugs and quite possibly sold them. Yes I had friends and they are other dysfunctional home rejects. So we have a lot in common. True it is the crowd that I used to be accused of hanging out with. These other kids had messed up parents. Most had parents who did not even want them. How is it their fault when no one cared for them? At least I had you fro ten years. Maybe that is the goodness I still had in me. I just regret that I did not try to speak up sooner to get out.

Anyway back to the jerk, after a couple of weeks of having some hard core fun he decided that we were through. My guess it is because he wanted to go further and I didn’t. Be proud1 In this day and age to be a virgin sixteen year old is quite the challenge. So he broke up with me OVER THE PHONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY!! How is that for screwed up? Yup only men in my life who are messed up. Am I a magnet? Probably.

You still claim that dad is my dad, right?

Now dad has pulled the little money he was giving May. He told her that since I was not living there why should he pay for me? Even thou the money he was giving her were the orphan money he got from the government for me. What an asshole! I am embarrassed to be considered to be related to him. How? Why? You could have done better? Anyway-Sorry I am off on a tangent on loser men. Or are they little boys trapped in man skins?

Nope. I did not drink tonight. I only do that at parties. It is fun sometimes but I can’t do it all the time. I feel like I am just starting to see the world for the first time.

I hope Katie is ok. I don’t get to see her too often because he is controlling that now. I have to phone him and talk to him before he considers to let me talk to her. I got so tired of it that I had a friend call her directly then she passed me the phone. We got to talk briefly till Katie ratted me out. She was always daddy’s little girl. She would sell me out in a second if it meant not hurting him. Maybe one day she might see him for what he is.

I feel helpless when I hear what goes on. I can’t make her leave. Yet social services seem to feel that she is ok. I know I have to get myself better before I can help her.

Anyway, I love you. I miss you every day still. I can’t wait to make you proud of me.

                        Love,

                                  N

September 22, 1988

Mom,

After keeping my friend Carrie company by dropping off resumes a couple of days ago, I got a call for an interview. I got a job at a local women’s clothing store. It will be great, I thought. I would be out of the house more plus earn some cash! The women were a little harsh especially the ones who were in grade 12. I went up the bonus structure fast. My grades were adequate to what could be. I am having so much fun. The discounts are great too!

                         See you soon,                                                                                  

                           Nicole

October 18^th, 1988

Mom!

Mary came home today and asked us if we all wanted to be in a bridal fashion show!!!! She works as a dressmaker at a bridal salon and they needed some models for an upcoming show. Yeah! He said we could. We get out hair done and make-up done. I asked for some tips cause I never have done anything except the skating shows. So we get to do them next Spring!!

Maybe this is my way out! If someone sees me..who knows!!!

                        Love

                              Nicole

August 15^th, 1988

Mommy,

I know I say this lot. I wish you did not have to die. I wish you were here. Maybe we would have been living with you and not him. I do not know how you could have stayed with him.

I have so many questions that only a mom can answer-my mom. Like how were your periods? I have always had very heavy and painful periods. It is so gross. I hate it when I have them at school cause I have to take my purse to the bathroom and everyone knows why. I have messed up so many pairs of underwear cause they come at weird times plus really heavy. I have to throw them out or try to clean them myself. They don’t allow me to take many painkillers cause of whatever. I try to buy them at the store when I can. They only help a little bit. If they continue then Mary promised me to take me to the doctor because there might be something wrong.

Today is the fourth anniversary of your death. We had to get up early to go with dad to take flowers to your grave. Then he took us out to lunch some place near there. It feels like such a farce. It feels like it was a lifetime ago that we were a happy family. I miss going to the skating rink and when I did a jump for the first time I would look up to see you cheering. You never cared if I did not go all the way to the nationals. You just wanted me to have fun. And I did. I don’t even open my mouth much at home anymore. What is the point? I antagonize him just by being. He claims that I just provoke him which is partly true only cause I exist. I still don’t think that I deserve the hits. There have been a few times. Katie got the strap once. I got a lot of different things thrown at me. Sometimes it has been his hand. Surprisingly he always misses my face but gets my arms and legs where I can wear clothes.

I am a reminder of you? No one tells me if I look like you. I see pictures of you growing up and I don’t see a resemblance. I want to write in a diary of all my feelings but I am afraid that if I do they will find it and accuse me of whatever. I know kids don’t want their parents much when they are a teenager. I never got that chance with you to choose if I wanted to misbehave or not. I don’t go out with friends (they are long gone. I can’t bring them over). So therefore I don’t party, drink or do drugs. Never had the interest. I wonder if I should try it people seem to like it a lot. Dad and Mary always have a box of wine in the fridge and he has beer all the time.

 Sorry to depress you. You are the only one I can talk to and you can’t answer back.

                       I do love you.

                                                 Nicole

March 23^rd, 1987

Mommy

The wedding. Let’s see. It was civil. In a new church on the first day of spring and all that lovey crap. We had to wear lavender poofy dresses that she made. The morning before the ceremony we went to her hairdresser and got old lady poofy hairdos to match. I was allowed to put on a little bit of make-up. And let’s not forget the pasted on smile. I could tell her kids did not want to be there. Well at least we had that in common. They don’t care much for us because we are his kids. The reception was all right. I thought having her here would have made him calm down a bit and lay off me but it didn’t. If it’s not my weight now (my dress had to be let out around the bust and hips), to not knowing how to make dinner (no one shows me!) and whatever strikes him on the spot. Thankfully we stayed with his folks while they were on their honeymoon. We get to do what we want, eat what we want and watch what we want. Every thirteen year old that I know has problems and grows in the boobs. He now takes away treats as punishment to go along with all the other things he grounds me for. So I spend what little allowance I get to stash some chocolate or chips to have when he is not around. It’s the only pleasure I get in this hell. It is really time to learn how the hell to get out of here.

Till next time.

Nicole

June 10^th, 1987

Mommy,

It was so bad last night. It was a screaming match when he got home at midnight. He ran into my room and slammed the door open-waking everyone up. I did not even know what irked him this time. He was not even home more than two minutes. Mary must have gotten to him earlier. It was my grades. I was failing one class. A class that did not even count!!!He pulled all my stuff of the dresser and threw it around the room. Mommy-he broke the double striped mirror that you gave me. The last thing you gave me. Some of the shards of glass hit my face.The TV, books and other stuff I did not care about. Even thou- I earned money for the little TV. It was like you died all over again. I am so trapped! Thankfully I had just re-hid these letters last night so he did not find them to destroy. There were bits of books, glass and porcelain shards everywhere. I was not even allowed to make any noise to clean up because he had to go to sleep. Never mind that he just woke us all up on a school night.

I have never felt so alone. I think he wishes that I died and not you.

N

February 7^th, 1985

Mommy,

I do not know how to tell you this but I think you should know that dad has started dating ALREADY. He is going to dances and coffees with OTHER women. I don’t even know what that means – ‘coffees’. He says you two talked about it and he didn’t want to be alone. You have barely been gone. I think he is lonely because it is almost Valentine’s Day. I don’t want him to be alone either if you didn’t. Things keep changing and changing. It is really hard to take it all in. I barely remember the crock pot dinners and our movie nights. I vaguely remember your voice. Katie does not ask for you. I think she has forgotten a lot. I miss you so much. I would give every last cent of mine for the rest of my life to have you here even for a day.

Love you more than a million oceans.

Nicole