Letters To My Dead Mother: Sept 1984

September 7th, 1984

To Mom,

School started now. On the second day I was sent to the library for a special project. I sensed why I was sent away. They gathered everyone in the pod of the entire Grade sixes and told everyone about you and how they should treat me. My friend, Carolyn, told me at recess. I felt like such an outsider. I was doing great in Grade five. I had good grades and lots of friends. I got cornered a lot by kids in school telling me that they are sorry about my mom and ask what it like is to not have a mom. Like I am some circus freak! Why did you have to die? Katie acts like everything is ok. Maybe she is too young to understand? I don’t know. She doesn’t ask for you anymore. Michel keeps looking for someone to pet him and let him outside to go to the bathroom. Dad complains about everything all the time. Was he always this grumpy? He gets angry sometimes and then stomps off, like when Katie was four. He gets angry and stomps off and slams his bedroom door. There is no laughter and no happy dinners and no movie nights. I do not want to cry because it upsets my sister too much.

Grandma said that God needed you up in heaven. That is not fair! We needed you more but don’t count I guess. It is so hard for me to go to friend’s houses, to see their full family homes. Even the ones who have divorced parents, at least they still see both parents. Not right and not fair! Sorry, I have to go again and set the table. I am not hungry but I can’t tell him that. I don’t want to make him upset again.

Bye.

Nicole

September 22, 1984

Mom,

For whatever reasons dad hired a nanny while we were away at his parents. We got home and there was this lady named Charlotte there. She was living in your room. Dad moved in Katie’s old room and we had to share. It was not like Mary Poppins! At least she cooks something other than the fatty meat that he likes to cook. I do not recognize this house anymore. She added some stuff of her own, put a lot of our toys away and put some of your pics in our room and out of the living room.

Last night she was washing dishes, dad and I were arguing as usual, I asked her why he hates me so much. She said that he told her that I was an accident. How is that possible? It felt like you planned me. But why would dad say that if it wasn’t true? I can’t think of anytingelse why he would be so upset all the time. He is not upset with Katie like with me. I don’t get it.

Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: Back To School

August 31, 1984

Dear Mom,

It has been a couple of weeks since your funeral and things are very different here. School is about to start. I wish you were here to help pick out my school clothes. Dad just told us to get what we need. You always got us the pretty stuff. Today I have to go to the orthodontist to get braces. I do not want them! They are ugly. I will be called Metal Mouth and other bad names. I have to wear them for two years!! I won’t be able to eat what I want for that long. Last night Dad took us out for dessert. I got the stickiest, gooeyest dessert there. It was good. I feel like I am going through slow motion. So much is happening so fast. I wish I could really talk to you like we used to. I write these letters hoping you might read them but I don’t know where to send them.

I got to go.

Love you,

Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: after death

August 20th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

It’s been five days since you went to heaven. Very weird to think last week you were having lunch with us in your hospital room. Tonight we had to pick out our outfits to wear at your funeral tomorrow. You are supposed to wear black but you never bought us black dresses. So we were in the kitchen and Daddy was helping us iron the outfits. He looked at our doorway to the dining room and said “Mom’s here.” We looked where he was looking and there was a ball of light floating there. It did not look like it was a reflection off anything. All three of us saw it. Katie said hi. I said hi too. Was it you? Did you hear us? I don’t like this dying thing. Dad says I can talk to you all I want but you can’t talk back. Anyway, I hope you are happy wherever you are.

From,

Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: the day

August 15th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

When we were watching the Facts Of Life Daddy showed up at Grandma and Grandpa’s. He was supposed to be at work. He sat us on the couch and said you died and went to heaven. Katie asked what that meant and he said that you died like our dog Fosh did. He gave us a choice to stay there or come home. We both wanted to go home. When we got there everything looked the same. The bag of chips you like was half opened. Your chair in the living room had your black sweater lying on it. The one you used when you got cold. On your dresser in the bedroom was your half empty Channel #5 perfume bottle. Katie said you were still coming home cause everything was the same. The house was so quiet. We unpacked and went to bed. Katie kept crying. I could not sleep. Something felt very different. I hope you are not in pain and are happy. I miss you so much.

                            I love you.

                                        Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother Part 2 1984

August 6th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

Summer is almost done. When are you coming home? The hospital must be soo boring. We only get to see you a couple of times a week. Grandma says you are still sick. Please get better fast. I have to get my braces soon. I don’t want to get them but dad says I have to. Hope you get home soon so we can go somewhere before school starts again.

                          I miss you.

                          Love your daughter,                                                                                                       

                                           Nicole

August 15th, 1984

Dear Mommy,

We just got back to Grandma and Grandpa’s from visiting you in the hospital. You couldn’t talk and kept moving your hands. I don’t know if you knew we were there. Everyone was so sad and crying. I felt dizzy and thought I was going to throw up so we had to leave. I hope everything was ok.

                       See you soon.

                         Love,

                                      Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother 1984

Dear Mommy,

I am having a lot of fun with Grandma and Grandpa. The plane ride was very neat. We went on a train ride, saw horses and a lot of extended family members.

I hope you are feeling better and not sick anymore. One more week till I am home.

I love you and miss you.

                                     Love,

                                            Nicole

August 1, 1984

Dear Mommy,

We got home today from the trip and you weren’t there. Dad says you are in the hospital again because you are sick. I can’t wait to show you all the neat stuff I got and I took a lot of pictures. Grandma says we can visit you soon but you might be home soon. I can’t wait to see you.

                                          Love,

                                                  Nicole