I Hate This Birthday..

Mere days until I turn 38. While I
try to stay positive and look forward to a day of no-cooking, I can’t do it. My
heart feels so heavy. My shoulders ache of the pressure. As I get older, I see my birthday as just any
other day-less gifts, still have diapers to change and all the other domestic
duties that is my life now. This birthday mirrors the age my mother died. I hate this birthday.

I am petrified to have the same fate
my mom had. I can’t fathom to leave my girls like my mom had to against her
will. She was, and remains an amazing mom. I keep up with my medical tests to
prevent any similar horror. My younger sister has won again on her battles with
that ugly disease. There is hope that my daughters will see a cure in their
time on the evening news.

With every genie-in-a-bottle wish,
I would like to fast forward to know that I turn 39. I despise the feeling that
I feel, but tis my truth. I need that
confirmation that I will make it past my mother’s fate.

I have no idea how to make this
year a win. All I know is to focus on my girls and keep writing. It’s all I
know. And if a great gift falls in my lap, I will allow it.

One thought on “I Hate This Birthday..

  1. It’s interesting how tied we are to the milestones that belong to our mothers in relation to our own lives when we’ve had such a positive relationship with them. I think about my own life in comparison to my mom’s all the time. For me, “that birthday” isn’t going to come for another 22 years. My mom was older when she died, but still far too young – I wasn’t ready to lose her.

    I love that you make such an effort to record these things about your mom. One day your girls will know her so well through your words. Maybe not the everyday life details, but they will know how well-loved she was by you and your sister.

    I struggle to stop the comparison of my life to my mother’s, even though mine has taken such a drastically different path. I know I will approach my 56th birthday with trepidation because I already fear that I won’t be able to conquer my own health issues and attempt to ensure a longer life. I want to know all of my grandchildren as my mother cannot. I try to remember that I am not her and what happened to her isn’t a foregone conclusion for me. But I suspect that fear will never fully go away.

    I know what it’s like to lose a parent. I don’t want my child to feel that pain even a day sooner than is necessary. I just wish there weren’t so many unknowns out there.

    These are beautiful thoughts, Danielle. I hope you find some peace in this upcoming birthday. I’ll be thinking of you.


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