With my pen in hand to update the holiday calendar, I flip the page over to November. It seems like a lifetime ago it was this time last year. I was feeling very down. Not only was my sister going to be in the hospital for cancer surgery and miss Christmas, but I was missing my mom. If it were not for my kids, I would have happily skipped the holidays. Christmas has not been the same since our last Christmas together when I was ten years old.
And now it is one year later and I am looking forward to the holidays once again. My plans to make a new holiday tradition are being received by my family well. We will be opening gifts, eat a lot and have fun. Then, we will proceed to my sister’s house to celebrate the holiday. Yes, she has since been cancer-free again after two major surgeries. We have a lot to celebrate.
What changed it for me was turning 38 last month. I dreaded that birthday for over 25 years. It’s the age that my mom died. I know, logistically, I should see my 39th birthday. My soul can’t be positive. So my brain took over. If this is might be my last Christmas with my family then I want them to remember it as a happy one. A happy verses a depressed me makes more sense.
I will always love my mom. I never knew her as an adult. On bad days I do feel dark in the heart. I need to remember that today is now. I owe it to my children to make their memories filled with delights and not dark. My mom did that for me. I never knew what she was really going through until I became an adult and more details arose of her final months.
I hear my friends complain turning 40. I can’t wait. It’s what my mom didn’t get to do. I will work on giving her granddaughters the same happy and positive mom that she gave me. I start to fill in the calendar with all my daughters Christmas and birthday events. I am amazed at myself. Once I felt that I am just surviving being motherless. With my new found faith in life, I feel like I am thriving.
2 thoughts on “Motherless FTW!!!”
Danielle you are such an amazing woman. I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go through all of life’s big, and small moments without you mom by your side but you do it with such grace and strength.
Reading your blog has given me a new appreciation for my mom, and my relationship with my children. Although I don’t have any particular reason to fear aging right now, I will make a more concentrated effort to create traditions and happy memories with my kids this holiday season rather than be overcome with stress and holiday frenzy. I think it’s important for all of us to realize that our kids will grow up in the blink of an eye and we may or may not be hear to create new memories with them, so it is important that we take every moment we have to enjoy with them.
Thank you once again for sharing your journey with so much honesty.
Thinking of you and wishing you a wonderful Christmas with all your family and in loving memories of your mom.