When I don’t feel sexy

With one hand I am pushing the grocery cart. Attached to the other hand I am feeding snacks to my three-year-old who is snug in the upper part of the cart. The cart is almost filled I turn towards the long line-up at the cashier.  Sighing, I give my iPhone to my daughter in hopes that the movie I put on will keep her happy until we can leave.

I glance around the crowded store. My eyes are seeping in all the magazines that promise the new diet to lose weight. I spy the candy bars right underneath the glossy mags. I am amazed how the merchandising can make us hopeful and then want a sugary treat. Of course it makes me want one. My tired soul needs a pick-me-up so badly.

I take a big breath. I look at my feet. I can’t find my feet. My muffin top is in the way. The most ways to not feel sexy is being tired, wearing old clothes and craving chocolate. I give in too many times to temptation. I rarely wear make-up. I don’t feel the need when all I do is school pick-up and drop-off. I see moms in pjs at school.  I would like to feel good again. I have lost and gained many baby pounds. Some of it is due to my thyroid medications. I do not use that as an excuse. It’s just my reality now.

I snake our way down the line. When we are three carts away from our turn, my phone rings. Much to the dismay of my now-screaming three-year-old, I take it from her and see it is my husband. I click on the Talk button and say hello.

He says he just called to say hi and that he loves me. We have a brief chat and hang up. All of a sudden my face feels warm. I find myself smiling.  A lust memory of our early dating days makes me feel great. I may be slop on the outside, but inside I see myself through my husband’s eyes. If he sees something in me that I don’t, then I must be all right.

I bypass the chocolate bars and the magazines. Placing my items on the conveyer belt and greeting the cashier, I feel my self-esteem rising. All it took was a compliment from my loved one to see whom they see. Me.

2 thoughts on “When I don’t feel sexy

  1. I just loved this post. I can relate to this so much. I’m so glad Michael can remind you of your feminine self and who you are beyond a mother and house manager. If I can give you hope for the future – once the kids get older you will have more time and energy to reconnect with your self. Meanwhile, continue to see yourself through your beloved’s eyes every chance you get.


  2. I love lust memories!

    You know that feeling? The one that you got when your husband called? You did that. Because of who you are. The confirmation from him was awesome, but you’re still that person regardless.


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