The Summer I Did Not Plan

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At the beginning of summer, I had to go in for urgent surgery. Years of having bad cycles and family history, tumors invaded my reproductive system fast. So when I wrote, By The Time You Read This, I had no clue what I was facing that day. I did not know if there were more fibroids or tumors taking residence, or just what was found on the ultrasound weeks before. I have always hated the C-Word.

I was scared that I would not make it home like my mom didn’t. I had no clue which way it would go. I never wanted my mommy so badly in my life. Yet, I was not ready to meet her again.

It was the biggest relief to wake-up in ICU and realize that it was not a dream. I did not care about the pain and the itchy bandages.

It has been over 7 weeks now and I am not out of the woods. Recovery is not going well.  More tests and follow-up is needed. While the uterus and tubes are gone, the ovaries remained. Tumor Markers are not in the ‘good zone.’…yet.

So today, on the 29th anniversary of my mother’s death, I will leave my girls with a caregiver and go for more tests. By the end of this month I hope to finally celebrate with my girls and loved ones that I am okay. I have to be.

It still pains me to think of the summer I did plan back in spring. Only a few of those things, with the help of dear friends and sister, have been crossed off the list. I tried to make this summer memorable because my youngest will be starting a big milestone, kindergarten.

Whether they will remember this summer or not, I know that by being here is the most important thing. Even if that meant taking things slower.

Miss you loads, Mom. I like to think that you had something to do with my recovery. Just let me pass a few more tests. Xo

An Angry Letter to my Mom

Dear Mom,

I am so sad, mad and upset at you.

After years of being scared to have kids, in fear of them inheriting genetic baggage, my deepest fear has come true. Since my youngest daughter was born, her delays have been obvious. Then the diagnosis of Autism arrived. All this time I have been riddled with the guilt that I am at fault for her delays and diagnosis.  I have second guessed everything that happened from the morning sickness to having to be put out for her birth.

Then earlier this year my sister, your youngest, was found to have a rare chromosome that was linked to her cancers. Because of that, my baby and I have been tested due to that connection.  Today I got the call that we tested positive with links to my health problems, and my sweet baby who has autism and a big head. All this time I blamed myself that it was my fault for her social and development delays.

All her and I did was be born. It does not ease my pain that it might not be my fault. She inherited from me, and I from you. We were born. End of story. I know that if you were here today we would find out if you had the same mutation of the gene. Statistically it had to be from you. But who did you get it from? I have a million questions for you. Life has thrown my small family too many curveballs. Why are we the ones with the genetic baggage, and not the rest of the family?

It is so not fair. Cancer is a bitch.  I can never imagine life without both my babies. Autism has had its hard days. It has given us moments that remind us with what is really important.

Family.

I wish you were here.

Love, Me