Letters To My Dead Mother: early 1990

January 15th, 1990

Mom,

It has been a whirlwind of social awakening for me. I had a wonderful Christmas holidays. Traveled around town, visited with friends and rested. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did go to a few parties. I only tired a few drinks but nothing too outrageous. I am out on permanent parole! I have to go on the bus to school but its fine. It’s a small price to pay getting up early to make it. The bad weather kind of sucks. But like I said it is a small price to pay. I feel like I have to go backwards to catch up what childhood I missed. However I do not know if I can really do that because things have so changes within me that there may not be going back. I just feel like I should have gotten Katie out too. Even though it sounds like she has them all to herself and is not complaining. I am not sure if everything is right there. I hope she will tell me. And soon.

  Oops. It is really late and a school night. Must be responsible.

                           Nicole

February 14th, 1990

Dear Mommy,

 Yuck. Boys suck! I do not know why I was trying to get dating when there are such losers around. I hooked up with this guy at a party. (Don’t worry we just made out, mild stuff. But then you may have already known that). Things were going ok. Then I found out he did drugs and quite possibly sold them. Yes I had friends and they are other dysfunctional home rejects. So we have a lot in common. True it is the crowd that I used to be accused of hanging out with. These other kids had messed up parents. Most had parents who did not even want them. How is it their fault when no one cared for them? At least I had you fro ten years. Maybe that is the goodness I still had in me. I just regret that I did not try to speak up sooner to get out.

Anyway back to the jerk, after a couple of weeks of having some hard core fun he decided that we were through. My guess it is because he wanted to go further and I didn’t. Be proud1 In this day and age to be a virgin sixteen year old is quite the challenge. So he broke up with me OVER THE PHONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY!! How is that for screwed up? Yup only men in my life who are messed up. Am I a magnet? Probably.

You still claim that dad is my dad, right?

Now dad has pulled the little money he was giving May. He told her that since I was not living there why should he pay for me? Even thou the money he was giving her were the orphan money he got from the government for me. What an asshole! I am embarrassed to be considered to be related to him. How? Why? You could have done better? Anyway-Sorry I am off on a tangent on loser men. Or are they little boys trapped in man skins?

Nope. I did not drink tonight. I only do that at parties. It is fun sometimes but I can’t do it all the time. I feel like I am just starting to see the world for the first time.

I hope Katie is ok. I don’t get to see her too often because he is controlling that now. I have to phone him and talk to him before he considers to let me talk to her. I got so tired of it that I had a friend call her directly then she passed me the phone. We got to talk briefly till Katie ratted me out. She was always daddy’s little girl. She would sell me out in a second if it meant not hurting him. Maybe one day she might see him for what he is.

I feel helpless when I hear what goes on. I can’t make her leave. Yet social services seem to feel that she is ok. I know I have to get myself better before I can help her.

Anyway, I love you. I miss you every day still. I can’t wait to make you proud of me.

                        Love,

                                  N

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