My eyes drink in the last sentence as I close Motherless Daughters by Hope Edelman. I click the nightlight off to make the room dark so my darling husband can keep sleeping. I stare at the ceiling that is illuminated by the clock radio at the foot of the bed.

My heart is racing with a newfound warp speed. Feeling like I could float out of this bed, what I just read clears the dark fog that has enveloped me since my mom died. For the first time since she died I feel like someone truly knows what I went, and am going, through.

Throughout the pages I absorbed other woman’s’ stories of how they learned to live with the pain. What struck me was the message to give myself-the power to accept her passing and allow myself permission to grieve.

After her passing (I was ten), I was not allowed to talk about her because it would upset my dad, sister or grandma. To bury the empty void she left plagued me until now. It is how I have been parenting my young girls; hide the grief until it boils over into my present life. It harmed my soul.

I watch the car lights flicker through the blinds realizing the stories I started writing about missing my mom was opening the floodgates. Every piece I pen allows me to voice the immense grief. It may be the reason why I am so motivated to write. I started to write my mom stories in fear that I will have the same fate as my mom. Now, it fills a lost void that she leaves to this day.

Today marks the twenty-sixth anniversary that I stood in her hospital room and said good-bye.

Tonight is the first time I am grieving unabashedly. I let go to grieve, to wash away the pain so I can be more present for my daughters. They deserve it. I close my eyes but I am not tired. Tears of relief slide down my cheeks. I am feeling like I am a hot air balloon that has been lost and now grounded.

I cry myself into my dreams.

Before the alarm goes off, I am pounced by my three-year-old wanting breakfast. I hug her tight. I hug her tight feeling young and free.

In many ways I am.

This is the last picture that I remember of me and my mom before she got sick again.
Miss you..
August 15,1984 she died when she was 38.
Xoxo

September 7^th, 2008

Mommy,

The last year had been such a challenge. We have been through a lot with this baby. We have worried about her health (yes we are mostly sure it’s another girl). We have had to go through so many tests and waiting for results.

The latest is that the size of this new one is above the charts. So tomorrow we have to march in there to see if this is a very big baby that I have to c-section or I could still deliver. I am so scared. I do not want a c-section. We do not have much help. This birth will be much harder to recover from with a toddler running around.

Guess it will be a crap shoot or a roll of the die. Pleas let this baby be ok and healthy. Let this be ok on me to be a good mom to both. Trin has had us all to herself for so long, I hope she will adjust ok.

                              Help us please.

                                     Nicole

October 15^th, 2008

Mother,

In the name of realism, this will be my last letter to you for awhile. We are due in a couple of weeks. I am trying to downsize my life in preparing the whirlwind storm that is to come.

I have loved writing to you. In a way you have been my best friend for all these years. I never want to let go of the idea of you. Crazy that it has been 24 years since you have died. Feels like three lifetimes ago.

I could not say good-bye to you so I will say talk to you later. I must focus on my present. I owe the kids that.

                   I love you more than a million oceans.

                     Love your daughter always,

                                    Nicole

February 25^th, 2008

Mommy,

Holy moly! Someone has some sick sense of humor. After being a week late with my period, I made an appointment with my doctor. I have been late before, many times. I was not too worried. I thought it would be the endometriosis again.

Alex teased me and said I should take a pregnancy test. Yeah, right I replied. How could I be preggers again? I have one miracle child. No one is that crazy lucky to get pregnant again. People spend so much money on getting pregnant and adopting because they wanted a kid so badly. I feel so guilty of being pregnant. In fact I was in such denial that after taking the one pregnancy test that I had here, I went out in my pajamas to get more. So in total I took three home tests. I still was not positive that I was pregnant. I was going to wait till the doctors tomorrow to confirm.

How can this happen gain? Is this happening for a reason? The path that I did not chose but chose me? I can’t say that if I could change things that I wouldn’t be a mom. That would be so wrong because I would not know our little girl. For some reason this kid chose us or someone chose us for them.

I really hope that we do ok by them. We were lucky with our oldest for a lot of things.

Please help us and watch over to make sure this baby is healthy too. I hope that all the bad karma is gone and will not harm this family. These kids already have so much baggage they have inherited. They deserve a running shot at the good life.

                            Keep watch mom.K?

                             Thanks. Love you.

                               Nicole

May 12^th, 2008

Mom,

The past year with the baby was a blur. When I was pregnant with her I was in fair good health. These past few months have been horrible. I have been so sick. We lost our fourteen year old cat due to cancer. Your mom had a bad fall so she got put in a home. Now, Mother’s day is here. I don’t feel like celebrating. Alex is sick so I am taking care of him and baby girl.

If this at least means that with a horrible pregnancy I will have an easier labor. Since last time was the exact opposite.

Am I bitter? Yes. This one has been harder. I have no time to rest. She does not nap. Then I have to try to keep Alex happy. ARGH! I am going insane.

                              Help!

                                    Nicole

November 10, 2006

Mom,

I had to cut off last night’s writings. Trinity did wake up after an hour’s nap. She took another forty minutes to go back to sleep. Just as I was getting her drowsy again Alex came home. He was not upset. Phew. After I put her down I went downstairs. Alex came down it is the day after I asked her first babysitter. I do not feel apprehensive. I do feel anxiety of making sure my sister knows everything. Alex and I are only going to go once she is down and only down the block. I have to let go a little. I know that I do not have to completely let go. That will never happen for the rest of my life.

One piece of freedom I miss right now is being able to grab tickets to go to a concert. We did go to a few. It was Alex that was comfortable staying in town instead of going downtown. I am glad we still went on one last hurrah going downtown to see Phantom Of The Opera. We went out for dinner first then to the show. It was his first opera. The baby kicked a bit during some songs. That makes sense now that we know who was in there. I know one day we will head out again to have nights out. We need to work on a valid list of babysitters.

I do not know if this is a repeat topic but who cares? My love of bags is genetic. You loved your bags very much. I have a lot of bags. They are great because it is one size fits all. Small purses are great for the quick getaways then you can put it in the big bag when you are traveling with your child.

I know why I love expensive lipsticks. I wear glasses so lips are the best thing to feature on my face and dress it up. Plus expensive lipsticks tend to have more natural ingredients. An average one can cost up to thirty dollars. You do not need a mirror to apply (great too if you have your child in one hand).

Finally today is the Friday before a long weekend. We have so desperately been waiting for one. (me especially). We can have more time for us as a family and by ourselves. Oh she is stirring better run.

This morning I am consumed with depression sadness. Maybe it is the rain or the lack of sleep, I do not know. I yelled at our youngest cat who was wailing when she was wailing. It is not his fault I know that. It got to me. I should feel cozy at home on a bad weather day. I feel trapped. I want to cozy under covers with no responsibility and cry my heart out. I am not able to do the simplest thing around here for me or for the house. I thought after two months I would not feel this way but I am. There is no denying that.

I still fight within myself to not eat the house up. I want to lose the ten pounds that I set out to lose. We have ways around the house to exercise so I do a bit.

Alex buys a lot of pasta because it is cheap and easy to make. No wonder I am having problems. I can’t go shopping with Trin because I can’t push her around in a cart. There would be no room for food.

Lately I have had spells of chills. I get icy cold and can not stop shaking. I do not know if it is the weather or depression. I guess I am not too bad on that front because I am writing about it. Denial is half the battle right?

Everything happens for a reason?

The sound of the tires racing thru the streets

The hum of the furnace running thru the house

I do not know where my place is

Here where I thought I would never be?

Or a place still to show itself?

Am I blind or can not see?

Is it true that everything happens for a reason? I do not know my place anymore. I never sought to be a mom. I do not feel the maternal strong instinct that a mom should have towards her child. I do love Trinity with everything I have got. I just do not feel powerful in force. I take care of her as best as I can. Some days I am so grateful for when she naps when I am alone during the day. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? I did not baby sit for so long (for at least sixteen years). What I know is bits or what I have seen on TV or in the malls or making it up. I almost should write her an apology letter now for when she is older. Apologizing for messing her up or not doing something that we did not know we should be doing with her. It is so much work just to go to the mailbox even more so in this weather. I almost was just going to put her in the car to go around the complex to the mailbox. I am scared to go driving because people are crazy in this weather. I do not drive much anymore so I am afraid that I could be careless.

What about when she is older? What am I supposed to do with a toddler before she can go to preschool? Do I let her play only educational games or toys? Can I still let her watch some TV? When should she nap then or have at least quiet time? She does not like going to sleep now what is going to happen later? I need to join a mommy group. I need to make friends with moms. We have no one in our small circle. Friendships are tough when you are trying to get to know your child plus keep your marriage together plus have a smidge of time to yourself. It takes a lot of strength in me to leave the shower every morning. I do not have much time because Alex has to get to work. It is nice and quiet in there. Except this morning when I raced out of the shower and they were both on the bed waiting for me.

What should I do for my time out this weekend? I should not always go to the pub. Maybe I should go to a coffee shop and read my new book? Or write more for the novel. I do need to get the drafts of my other projects edited so I can pitch them out there.

The blinking cursor on the computer screen is like mocking me to stop; to quit. I do not want to quit. I need to work on my PMA. How? When I feel like such a blobby mess. The house is a mess. I am only partially half way thru the novel.

Am I a risk taker? I risked my time to do nothing to write a novel. I dare to dream of life when I get it back from wherever it was. I risked that to get pregnant (though that was beyond my power). Everyone wanted this child in our lives. She is the first great-granddaughter/grandchild and niece. After a grieving year last year having a new life was a breath of fresh air.

Ironically when I was just me I longed for solitude. That is why I loved to write. I craved to be able to have the freedom to write at home. Now I have that but with a child so sometimes it is all I can do to go to the bathroom before I pee my pants. I did too much of that following the delivery (bladder infection).

I ache for those days back. Just one more week. I was done with being pregnant though.

You should have to apply to be a parent. You have to get a license for a car, a dog or a firearm however anyone can be a parent even when they have no right to.

Once again I am writing when I should be sleeping. I want to enjoy tonight when we will all be together. I am writing so I am not glued to the computer trying to play catch up.

Here come the boys right on time. It is only 2:30 and they are awake thinking it is dinner time. I know our new schedule must have messed them up. When we are up in the middle of the night they think it is breakfast time. They are old and young in their jealous sibling type ways.

I almost think I have taken on too much with everything. I had considered to work a little bit to make ends meet however on days like today I could not imagine going to work for four hours on my feet tonight. It is next year when I should concentrate my work outside the home energies.

One goal at a time. I could make a list and each week focus on one thing to cross of at a time. Yes. That is it. I will work on the novel first then look at the next topic. Mind you with Christmas around the corner I am biting off too much again. The New Year will bring more time and boredom. There will be no long weekends for months. I will look for distractions.

What will next year bring? I will not recognize Trinity. I do no think I will wish for her being a newborn again. I will definitely need my energy more then when I have to run around catching her. I will be losing weight thru that. That will be my New Year plan. To get thru this next month then the New Year gets into activities appropriate for the two of us.

It is almost time for my show. Young and the Restless. I remember watching that with you. Some days Trinity is crying thru it. At least having it on keeps me escaping if by theory into another world.

I need to find other things to talk to my husband about. We talk all the time about her or his work. Where are we going to be when we are older and she has moved out of the house? We will just pick up where we left off awhile ago before we became three? We never had much in common at our beginnings either. Somehow we got together thru our attraction to one another. Or was it the fear of being alone forever? Oohh. Deep thoughts. I got to get out more. This weather is depressing. I am so tired now. My hands hurt from some kind of arthritis tightening.

Fifteen minutes till my show. She will probably wake up then knowing the way she plays me. She is a funny character.

I never had been much of a housekeeper. I did warn Alex that the first few months would be hard and that I would need help with the housework. He sees on weekends just how much she needs us. At least we can tag team together. At least he likes coming home. Some dads just find excuses to not to come home after work. The pubs are filled with dads by five o’clock.

If only we could win the lottery. We can hang out lots together. When we were broke we did lots around together and on our own. We hardly ever fought yet felt fulfilled.

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

Tomorrow we will be traveling into Vancouver to see grandma. Despite our past with her I want to go. One reason is I know I will be sad when it is her time to go. Two is because I want my daughter to know her great grandma. The pictures will show to her in the future that there was a great grandmother. Alex’s grandparents live too far and will probably never meet her. The two live in separate seniors home.

Is it true that you take the lessons learned in this lifetime to the next? There is so much in hindsight that I would use to make certain things better. I will not get into it in depth now. Mainly it would be to take more opportunities when I was younger. Taking the bull by the horn, so to speak. To take charge and go down my path and whomever wants to come with me.

I fight within my own brain to figure out what to write about. To get the brain started, to keep it alive; that is what these letters are great for.

shortly after informing me that he went into her room to see her and kiss her good night. That is so sweet. She stirred apparently but did not wake up. I am lucky that he truly wanted this child. It has been a lot of work. I am glad he wants to help when and where he can. We settled down to a couple of drinks which stretched into late hours. At 1:30 this morning I regretted the last glass of wine. I did not regret staying up late because we had great chats mainly about how great we are doing with her. We see other babies and compare. I hope I am not overdoing it with her.

                       Love you bunches,

                                                  Nicole

November 8^th, 2006

Mommy,

I thought I was going to lose my mind this morning. As I was trying to make her formula she started in on a crying fit. The pitch that would make a stranger think we were torturing her. Then she just collapsed in my arms asleep. My ears are ringing still. It has been seven weeks and I still can not get used to the high pitched crying. She did it when we were in the bookstore. Every mom in the place came over and oohed and ahhed while I was trying to console her. She did it in the bathroom when I was trying to change her. Poor little girl is so tired she does not understand how to get herself asleep.

There was one victory today so far. She fell asleep in my arms after breastfeeding (second time in an hour and ten minutes). She woke up so I walked around with her. She was still a little tired and awake so I put her in the bassinet which is in the living room. I talked to her then walked away for a minute. When I went back her arms were spread and she was asleep! Yay me! I need to work on this more so then if she wakes up in the night she may not be hungry or wet she would be able to go back to sleep. With any luck and a lot of hrs work we all can sleep thru the night. I pray for that every day especially when she has her umpteenth crying fit.

I found myself foraging for sugar again today. It is not only for low energy but a stress reliever. I am not able to write with her in my arms much. I read, watch TV, write a little and walk when the weather is ok. I do not have much else. When Alex comes home I try to spend time with him. I feel split some days because I want to spend some time alone doing things I am not able to do when she is awake during the day. Then I do miss him. Not just for sex, I miss hanging out playing card games which gives him such joy so it gives me joy.

I have just read some of this. What crap? Who is going to want to read this? I am censoring myself to a point. I know it has bothered Alex that I am typing about my life. He knew that I used his real name which I now changed. Those who know me will recognize a lot here. It is wrong to stop myself. I am not helping my healing spirit. Like. Oh. I might as well open up. I had a weird dream. It is a little foggy. I was in the middle of an orgasm when all of a sudden I heard Alex’s voice asking what I was doing as I was reaching over and there was Trinity. Now there could be psychologists saying that my hormones are still getting back to normal so therefore my libido was getting back or even better. I am still creeped out a little because I think something might have been wrong with me. I woke up in bed with Alex beside me asleep. I fear that there was something even deep rooted that I do not remember in my subconscious. Whoa do heavy man. Life is just starting to get better in small spurts. Trinity’s first Christmas is just weeks away. We are not prepared as much as we can be when I was able to just go out to do stuff with more money. Working at a mall made me insane to get Christmas stuff over with so I could just relax on breaks and off time. It has been thirteen minutes and she is still asleep. Now I want some chips. Must keep writing. Write crap. Write anything to keep me hands moving. I had a small lunch. I need to still lose some weight before I gain it over Christmas. Unfortunately I am not able to lose as much weight if I was able to full time breastfeed. That was one of the perks. (though at the end of the benefit list for me). I can’t stand the questions from other moms regarding breast feeding. It is like they are trying to convert me, as if I chose not to breast feed full time. It is inconceivable to them that anyone would not want to do it all the time. I still wish I could. Thankfully she still wants my milk a few times a day. Though I think it is more for soothing and not actual nutrition. I will take any special time I can. Maybe one chip with a Diet Coke. I sure love being able to drink those again. I could not find out if it was ok while pregnant so I cut it out. I do not miss the sugar sodas. I am sure that is why I gained a fair bit along the waistline.

I broke down. I am so weak. There is nothing like the small of a Wavy Lay’s potato chip. So I had a cereal bowl full with a Diet Coke. A balanced snack. They are not too salty or greasy. And at last the chips are not as fat as the old stuff.

                       Nicole

October 28^th, 2006

Mom,

I gave it my best shot. I did well. Yesterday all three ladies went out for shopping and lunch. Marge (Alex’s mom) spoiled me. Trinity was great. Marge did try to baby-sit many times. I wonder if she was trying to bribe me especially when she offered to send me to the spa? Funny cause that is what I probably would do. It is 6:30 am on Saturday and I can not sleep. Alex is a loud snorer. Marge is in our living room so we can’t go down yet. The boys are on our bed and now scratching and whining at her door looking for their breakfast. Trinity is asleep too. Guess I will be the tired one today which means being the fun one. God my stomach is so flabby. I still look pregnant. At least we are attempting and getting ‘some’. I still feel frumpy and ugly. A big blob.

Now it is so quiet. I can’t hide anywhere. Our youngest cat is going over the squirt gun at the front of the door and is trying to slide under the door. It is hard for them too. They are used to the household being up by now. I guess my clock is like that too. I got the blind’s open in her room waiting for daylight. I am glad we do not have guests too often or we will need to clean up the office and let them stay there. I feel trapped and lonely. I think I chatted Marge’s ear off yesterday. I am going to try and shut my eyes now.

I had the house to myself for the first time since Trinity was born. I took a long hot shower, did my hair, and put on my make-up. Unbelievable! It felt so good. I feel human. Still with the house to myself I did housework! Will I ever learn? I am such a housewife (not a great one but one).

I feel delightfully buzzed again. It is Saturday night at nine pm. I am still up and awake and do not care. It has been a great week. Trinity has been delicious. She has been talking and focusing more on things. She will be six weeks in a few hours. This time six weeks ago I was wondering why I got pregnant. I was in the assessment area waiting to be escorted to my room. Today was May’s fifty seven birthday. I was stoked to give her an opportunity to hang out with us all. I am loving the fact that the pants I bought two and a half weeks ago are now really loose. I discovered another chance to self publish. I just need the cash to do it at Chapters. This feels so like old times. Alex doing his own thing and I am doing mine with no other responsibility.

                                    Love,

                                         Nic