Letters To My Dead Mother

April 12th, 2001

Mom,

I did it. I broke away from the daily grind of meaningless retail jobs and got freelance work in the film industry. Doing background work is the best schooling I could get to learn the ins and outs from the film business. I have already done enough to know that this is my calling. I should have done this years ago. I get to play everyday and be someone else and get paid for it!! It does have its slow weeks were I do not know what else to do for money. Alex is doing it too. We sometimes get booked on the same set which is a lot of fun. Plus always having ride home helps. I tried auditioning for acting jobs but have not gotten any yet. Alex got a few commercials. While I am happy for him but I am also sad and a tiny bit jealous. I am an overweight actress at an age that I should be a stick. I took proper acting classes with reputable teachers. I know how to do it all but no jobs. Surprisingly I still have an agent. Alex got mine too. Maybe that was a mistake but I can’t stop it now.

So I will keep my head up and enjoy the fun. Feast or Famine!

                                Cheers!

                                       Nicole

June 30th, 2004

Mother,

It is so hard to maintain a positive attitude when you are in an industry that tells you that you are either not skinny enough or too fat or not fat enough. This and the declining Canadian buck I have to look hard at going on hiatus at this point. We are knee deep in debt. We bother need to go back to get squared away again financially.

So we pounded pavement again. This time it was harder because we loved the life. We had our down times and great hang out times together and had great memories on shows. I would remain here if I could forever. But there is that responsibility thing again.

Alex went back to his skilled life as a building sales person. Me- I looked for retail gain, begrudgingly.

Unfortunately I found one in a retail industry that I did not want to touch let alone sell. Leather. It paid well and was local. No big commutes. After a month there I had to get out. Working with a variety of women of all ages and backgrounds felt like I was back in the bowels of high school.

The adage goes that when you don’t look for something it comes to you. I got a call from a retail store that was a favorite of yours, a purse store. I still have some of the receipts from your purchases inside the purses. I have always had affection for purses because of you. And probably because of the fact that a purse is one size fits all. A woman can’t have enough. At least my hubby understands that it is genetic. Yet Katie does not have the same gene. She will use the same one regardless of season and what she is wearing. Gasp!

I love it. I did take a pay cut but it helps me to focus on the next possible step. Another creative adventure/career or otherwise. Happy for the most part. I don’t see myself there for life but it is ok for now. Plus I get great bags.

                        Back to reality gotta go.

                               Love

                                     Nicole

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