With my pen in hand to update the holiday calendar, I flip the page over to November. It seems like a lifetime ago it was this time last year. I was feeling very down. Not only was my sister going to be in the hospital for cancer surgery and miss Christmas, but I was missing my mom. If it were not for my kids, I would have happily skipped the holidays. Christmas has not been the same since our last Christmas together when I was ten years old.
And now it is one year later and I am looking forward to the holidays once again. My plans to make a new holiday tradition are being received by my family well. We will be opening gifts, eat a lot and have fun. Then, we will proceed to my sister’s house to celebrate the holiday. Yes, she has since been cancer-free again after two major surgeries. We have a lot to celebrate.
What changed it for me was turning 38 last month. I dreaded that birthday for over 25 years. It’s the age that my mom died. I know, logistically, I should see my 39th birthday. My soul can’t be positive. So my brain took over. If this is might be my last Christmas with my family then I want them to remember it as a happy one. A happy verses a depressed me makes more sense.
I will always love my mom. I never knew her as an adult. On bad days I do feel dark in the heart. I need to remember that today is now. I owe it to my children to make their memories filled with delights and not dark. My mom did that for me. I never knew what she was really going through until I became an adult and more details arose of her final months.
I hear my friends complain turning 40. I can’t wait. It’s what my mom didn’t get to do. I will work on giving her granddaughters the same happy and positive mom that she gave me. I start to fill in the calendar with all my daughters Christmas and birthday events. I am amazed at myself. Once I felt that I am just surviving being motherless. With my new found faith in life, I feel like I am thriving.