Letters To My Dead Mother: Not a mom

March 23, 1997

Mother,

Being an adult sucks. I am stuck in a job that I hate. It is a ‘career job’. The pay sucks but I got benefits for us. I still day dream of what would have happened if I tried harder to pursue Hollywood. I went right from high school to marriage. No one reminded us that we needed to pay bills or SAVE money. I am twenty three years old and feel like I need to bust out of this blue collar life.

We rent a one bedroom apartment. We have one car which I don’t drive. I never thought I would have been in this place at this time. I never did dream of the future specifically. I just wanted out! Some folks work on their career first then marriage then kids. I got the marriage now I need the career not another job. I have little skills for big paying jobs yet.

One day I will look back on this a laugh. I feel old but I feel young. We do have a lot of freedoms. I am grateful that I did not go through the clubbing scene. We went once with friends and it was such a meat market. Made me grateful that I was not single. After all we do not have kids. Had a close call once. We know we are NOT ready for parenthood. We know too many people that are bound to their kids. One day we will blow up that bridge when we get to it. I will make you a grandma one day.

                                 Ciao for now,

                                      Nicole

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