Letters To My Dead Mother

August 20th, 2005

Mommy,

After almost thirteen years of marriage, we were told that I could officially not have kids. All the bouts of endometriosis have cause severe lesions in my reproductive organs. This pretty much cancels out conceiving naturally. The problem stems from me and not him.

I am not devastated by this confirmation. After all we have not tried to or tried not to have kids al these years and nothing had happened so we figured it was not meant to be. What erks me is that it should be our choice not a medical choice. I feel like someone has died again. It did not seem like Alex cared or not which is either good or it could still be bad.

We had a few close calls. The last one when we found out I was not pregnant I was a little sad.

Oh well. We will take a bit of time to have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can look at other options in the near future if we want to go into parenthood. After what dad put me through, I am so scared that I inherited his anger. It would not be fair or right for my kids.

I still like where we are. Freedom. Money. Sleep. I wonder- did you want it all? You had your teaching then kids. Were you truly fulfilled? All these questions I would love answers to from you.

Maybe some answers when we meet. Hopefully along time from now.

                     Love you more than always.

                              Nicole

November 15th, 2005

Mom,

Alex and I went away for the weekend to celebrate our thirteenth wedding anniversary. When we were cozy in a booth at a local pizza brewery, he dropped a bomb on me that he wanted kids!

After what we just went through at the doctor’s because of my body he now wants kids. Only he does not want to do it with drugs or calendars or anything like that. He is optimistic that it will happen.

I just sat there stunned. For years we had not been around kids much. I asked him if that is what he truly wants. He said yes. I am shocked to say the least. All I could say was “hunh.ok.” He had taken that from me that I was ok with that. I did not know what to think. My head was still spinning when e got home today.

I do not know if he knows what it takes to be really a dad especially with newborn. Not to mention what could happen with us. The lack of sleep which he needs otherwise he is a baby.

As I was still digesting this I thought would be a good time to look at stay at home career options so that there would be time for me to get that gear running. I figured we would be looking at adopting in a years time.

               What do you think about all this?

                I know-you want kids to look at….

                                      Ciao for now,

                                                     Nicole

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