I am walking through the mall with my daughters and see Mother’s Day signage. What should be a happy sight, I feel mixed emotions. Ever since my mom died I have hated Mother’s Day. I’ve tried to make it passable by honoring my grandmothers, but it wasn’t the same. Now as a mom, I feel I need to participate in the Hallmark holiday.
She is never far from my thoughts. I have been alive longer than her. What started to make the day fun for me was when I began things to honor my mom every day like:
- I break out pictures of my childhood and share stories with my daughters. By talking about the good times it reminds me I did have a childhood.
- She loved purses. I have some of hers and have added a lot more since. When I get nostalgic I look at my purses and remember playing dress up with them. Sometimes I will go window shop the purse section of department stores. It may seem silly, but it is calming to me.
- I watch her favorite movies or television shows. I remember watching The Young and the Restless when I was home from school. The house stopped for that one hour. Watching it today makes me feel close to her.
- I give myself permission to grieve. The loss of her will always be here. It comes in fast and furious. A trigger can be small or big depending on the day. When I embrace the pain I get through it.
- I work on living each day as it might be the last. I often forget to make each day count. The beauty is when I wake up the next day it is a fresh start.
I may be a grown woman but I will always wonder, what if she didn’t have cancer? What if she survived? What if I had a regular childhood that didn’t involve hospitals and wheelchairs?
Looking at my daughters enjoying a mall treat, I know I can drive myself mad wondering the what if’s. I might live till tomorrow, or not. What matters is honoring my mom while living my life. Being the mom she was is a great gift to give my daughters.
