Tag: #motherless

I Forgive Me

Posted in Motherless MomLeave a comment

me-and-mom-header-2

I never used to hate my mom. 37 years later, I finally forgive my mom for leaving. Every time she got sick and had to go away, she came back. The last time, mom never came back home. That was when my childhood ended. I was 10 years old.

From the first slap and the first verbal assault from him, my anger grew in the pit of my soul. For years I began to believe it was my fault that she left. He blamed me for anything and everything. He would hold me responsible for things when I wasn’t even there.  I turned to food to try and numb the pain. I turned to books to escape reality. Many times, I wished it was him who died, and not her. Often, I thought about joining her. He remarried two years after my mom died. My life became so wrong.  I only spoke when needed to.

Then my life was going to change again. I broke down during high school acting class and told my truth to my teacher. A few months later, dad and stepmom sent me to a psychologist. When the doctor stated that whatever I said to him was only between us by law, I spilled the six years of pain and grief that I endured in silence. After the psychologist confirmed my age, he delivered a big surprise like a magic wand… I legally didn’t have to live at home. The darkness dissolved away and I got to be behind the wheel of my life for the first time.

Fairy dust landed on me with one phone call. My mom’s best friend, and my Godmother, offered a place of solace. My childhood was able to begin again. Yet, the pain of the life I was cheated out of lingered for years. Mother’s Day, her Birthday, and her death anniversary were the hardest days to get through.

Then, I became a mom. I had always recognized the mums in my life before, but it hurt. When I had my first Mother’s Day while I was pregnant, I was working. Despite feeling being displaced, I felt more like a fraud. I never planned to be a mom. I only had her parenting lessons for the first ten years of my life. All of my past baggage was forgotten when I gave birth to the sun in my universe. When we brought our baby home, we had no clue what to do. No grandmother to tell us how to do this parenting thing. We just winged it.

Once we found our footing, we had another baby. Surprise. I felt flooded in the world that other people wanted to be in.  I desperately needed my mom to guide me. What did I do to be abused by a parent that should have been protecting me? Why did the one parent that loved me leave me?

When my kids were babies, I used to write stories of our oldest cat. When my youngest was eight months, I began to write about being motherless. The grief lessened by connecting to others who understood. My articles and blogs began to be published, it was a haven for a deep wound. Something amazing began to happen, readers sent me emails, DM‘s, and personal messages. I stumbled into worldwide grief. All of a sudden, I didn’t feel so alone or isolated.

My children carry a part of my mom’s name. When I watch them sleep, I can’t help wonder that if my mom were alive, would my miracle babies be here? I know it’s not her fault. I know I need to focus on my own health. As I write this, it has been two months since I went through colon surgery, and a Stage Two tumour was removed. Thankfully, they got it all out during the surgery. I joined the Cancer Club. This time.

For once having a crappy family history made me a medical priority. I will always be grateful for my Rockstar medical team. I am still here to watch my children grow up. My mom never got that chance. I will not take that for granted.

I’m so sorry, mom.

I forgive you, and I forgive myself.

I Like Being Motherless

Posted in Motherless MomLeave a comment

me-and-mom-header-2

 

Unbelievable. I discover myself standing in the kitchen not being able to move. I came back from serving my girls their breakfast. We are having a great chat when I went to put the milk away. The fridge handle feels hot under my right hand and my left is cold by the half-full milk jug. My heart is still. The calendar is at eye-level glaring today’s date. I have always known this day comes every year. I began today feeling perfectly okay for the first time before I knew what today really was. Stunned, I can’t believe it has been 30 years ago today that my mom died. For the first time in all those anniversaries, today is the first time I didn’t spend the morning crying.

I always hated the term ‘motherless’ ever since I saw Bambi’s mother got shot in the first minutes of the film. You knew it happened, but it still tore the heart. It reminds me of what I’ve been missing since I was 10 years old. My mom died of breast cancer at the age of 38 years old. My sister was only eight years old. My childhood ended that day.

Two weeks after she died, school started. As we walked to class it felt like there was an arrow sign above our heads announcing ‘Motherless Kids Coming Through.’ Kids would stop talking when I went to the gym or step up to wait my turn on the swings. I felt like a circus act when I would get to my desk, to the library and to play at recess. The only time I felt normal was when I was the first one home after school. My sister would come home a bit later, after she finished her fourth grade after school activities. I had a brief precious half hour to myself. I could pretend that life was okay for that short time. I walked through every room remembering mom in the living room or eating breakfast at the kitchen table. I never went to her bedroom. It is too hard to remember her there. Her stuff cleaned out days after she died. The only smell my nose recalls is her perfume, Chanel Number 5. The magic spell ended the minute I heard the front door open.

Friends would corner me in the playground by the hopscotch over the next month to tell me how they found out about the news my mom died. They would go on and on about how they felt and how they would hate to lose their moms.

Over the next few years were dark, going through the beginning of teenage hood without my mom was very hard. Sure, there were nannies and the stepmother, but it wasn’t the same. No matter what others told me, I always wondered what mom would have said.

When I got married, being motherless had grown into a thorn in my heart. After all the heartbreak, I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do that my potential children. Cancer took a lot of family from us too early. I also had endometriosis, which meant I couldn’t have conceived naturally. I was okay with that. There are many childless parents out there who deserve to find their children. My two girls changed that plan.

The minute the doctor confirm my pregnancy, my first, I was wrapped in fear. I took all the recommended precautions to make sure I would give birth to a very healthy baby. I took my grief it became motivated to be the best mom I could for my child, like mom did for me. I didn’t know what else to do to care for my baby, other than the books I devoured. When my first baby arrived the motherless grief return instantly. I had trouble breast-feeding. The baby would cry and cry. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t hear my mother’s voice anymore.

I became what is known as a helicopter parent before it was a label. I began to focus every ounce of energy for my baby. Every cry, every request and every wail, I am there at all hours of the day and night, whatever she needed. I know every breath, every giggle and every precious moment. I am all too aware how painful it is to want your mom, I will never let my child know that heartache.

On the good days, I do not hate being motherless anymore, I am going to do what Bambi did and move forward. But if I had that other life, one with her in it, would have I have met my children, I wonder. I might not have my stories, but I am making my own daughters by being here to live them together.

“MOM!!!” My thoughts are interrupted by my seven-year-old beauty is yelling from the kitchen table.

I jumped out of my thoughts and answered, “What is up?” My heart starts beating again. The feeling of my legs and voice returns.

She is looking at me with a look of curiosity in her smile. “Close the fridge. You are wasting energy, remember?” I nod as I close the door with a smile on my face, heart and soul. I am able to be the mom that my girls need me to be. I know that my mom was that for me for as long as she could. There is one exemption; I haven’t let my kids see Bambi, yet.

For the three decades that have passed since that ill-fateful day, this is the first time I don’t miss her madly. It occurs to me that she has always been here for every step of the way. All this time I worried about being a mom when the whole time I already had the best mom to model by. She wasn’t the best cook, me either. She wasn’t the best homemaker, ditto. My mom is always there for me, even in death. She is there in my parenting her grandchildren, with unconditional love.

I hug my girls with the familiar arms that I once craved after school or skating practices. I will always miss my mom. I now know that she will always be here. The best way to honor her is by being the mom she was to me. And that sounds like medicine to my healing heart. I didn’t need a parenting book to rely on, I just have my children’s hugs to remind me of what I need.

Being motherless does suck and that is okay to say. Motherless may be what got me here now, but it doesn’t define who I am today.

 

I Like Being Motherless

Posted in Motherless MomLeave a comment

me-and-mom-header-2Unbelievable. I discover myself standing in the kitchen not being able to move. I came back from serving my girls their breakfast. We are having a great chat when I went to put the milk away. The fridge handle feels hot under my right hand and my left is cold by the half-full milk jug. My heart is still. The calendar is at eye-level glaring today’s date. I have always known this day comes every year. I began today feeling perfectly okay for the first time before I knew what today really was. Stunned, I can’t believe it has been 30 years ago today that my mom died. For the first time in all those anniversaries, today is the first time I didn’t spend the morning crying.

I always hated the term ‘motherless’ ever since I saw Bambi’s mother got shot in the first minutes of the film. You knew it happened, but it still tore the heart. It reminds me of what I’ve been missing since I was 10 years old. My mom died of breast cancer at the age of 38 years old. My sister was only eight years old. My childhood ended that day.

Two weeks after she died, school started. As we walked to class it felt like there was an arrow sign above our heads announcing ‘Motherless Kids Coming Through.’ Kids would stop talking when I went to the gym or step up to wait my turn on the swings. I felt like a circus act when I would get to my desk, to the library and to play at recess. The only time I felt normal was when I was the first one home after school. My sister would come home a bit later, after she finished her fourth grade after school activities. I had a brief precious half hour to myself. I could pretend that life was okay for that short time. I walked through every room remembering mom in the living room or eating breakfast at the kitchen table. I never went to her bedroom. It is too hard to remember her there. Her stuff cleaned out days after she died. The only smell my nose recalls is her perfume, Chanel Number 5. The magic spell ended the minute I heard the front door open.

Friends would corner me in the playground by the hopscotch over the next month to tell me how they found out about the news my mom died. They would go on and on about how they felt and how they would hate to lose their moms.

Over the next few years were dark, going through the beginning of teenage hood without my mom was very hard. Sure, there were nannies and the stepmother, but it wasn’t the same. No matter what others told me, I always wondered what mom would have said.

When I got married, being motherless had grown into a thorn in my heart. After all the heartbreak, I don’t want to have kids. I can’t do that my potential children. Cancer took a lot of family from us too early. I also had endometriosis, which meant I couldn’t have conceived naturally. I was okay with that. There are many childless parents out there who deserve to find their children. My two girls changed that plan.

The minute the doctor confirm my pregnancy, my first, I was wrapped in fear. I took all the recommended precautions to make sure I would give birth to a very healthy baby. I took my grief it became motivated to be the best mom I could for my child, like mom did for me. I didn’t know what else to do to care for my baby, other than the books I devoured. When my first baby arrived the motherless grief return instantly. I had trouble breast-feeding. The baby would cry and cry. I didn’t know what to do. I couldn’t hear my mother’s voice anymore.

I became what is known as a helicopter parent before it was a label. I began to focus every ounce of energy for my baby. Every cry, every request and every wail, I am there at all hours of the day and night, whatever she needed. I know every breath, every giggle and every precious moment. I am all too aware how painful it is to want your mom, I will never let my child know that heartache.

On the good days, I do not hate being motherless anymore, I am going to do what Bambi did and move forward. But if I had that other life, one with her in it, would have I have met my children, I wonder. I might not have my stories, but I am making my own daughters by being here to live them together.

“MOM!!!” My thoughts are interrupted by my seven-year-old beauty is yelling from the kitchen table.

I jumped out of my thoughts and answered, “What is up?” My heart starts beating again. The feeling of my legs and voice returns.

She is looking at me with a look of curiosity in her smile. “Close the fridge. You are wasting energy, remember?” I nod as I close the door with a smile on my face, heart and soul. I am able to be the mom that my girls need me to be. I know that my mom was that for me for as long as she could. There is one exemption; I haven’t let my kids see Bambi, yet.

For the three decades that have passed since that ill-fateful day, this is the first time I don’t miss her madly. It occurs to me that she has always been here for every step of the way. All this time I worried about being a mom when the whole time I already had the best mom to model by. She wasn’t the best cook, me either. She wasn’t the best homemaker, ditto. My mom is always there for me, even in death. She is there in my parenting her grandchildren, with unconditional love.

I hug my girls with the familiar arms that I once craved after school or skating practices. I will always miss my mom. I now know that she will always be here. The best way to honor her is by being the mom she was to me. And that sounds like medicine to my healing heart. I didn’t need a parenting book to rely on, I just have my children’s hugs to remind me of what I need.

Being motherless does suck and that is okay to say. Motherless may be what got me here now, but it doesn’t define who I am today.

 

Hard to say no: Why not having a Grandma is tough

Posted in #autism, moms, Motherless Mama, Motherless Mom1 Comment

Biting my lip, I say good-bye to my precocious 6 year-old daughter. I remind her to mind her manners, stay safe and have fun on the field trip. Her face is crumpled in a frown. She asks again if I can come for the day trip, two towns away. I remind her that I do not have someone to take care of her sister and drive her to therapy and school. I hug her and wish her a good day. She goes into class and starts chatting with her friends.

Her young sister is pulling my hand in the direction of the walk home. My heart hurts again for not being able to balance between my girls. I feel like my older one always gets the short end of my time.  Her sister’s therapy and preschool schedule keeps me busy.  I long to have an extra helper so I can devote my energy solely towards her.

The warm sun does nothing to heal my heart and soul. Life would be easier if they had a grandma near that could help out. It is not their fault.

I unlock the front door and let us in. My hand remains on the door. I say a silent message to her to have a good time. In a few short months her sister will be in the same school. I hope life can be better balanced. I am lucky to work at home so I can be there as much as I can.

My thoughts run wild as I prep the therapy room while my young one is anxiously waiting for her therapist. Yes, I can only be stretched so far. Sacrifices are made at the expense of another.  My only hope is that as they grow older they will not remember what I didn’t do, but that I was there every day being their cheerleader. Just like my mom, even from her wheelchair before she died.  I will have a special snack waiting for her after school.

Redeeming Points in Sears with the Whole Family #SearsClubPoints

Posted in Mom Central, Mommy minute, moms, Motherless Mama, Motherless MomLeave a comment

On a bright Sunday afternoon the four of us entered our local Sears. We had a simple wish list of four items: one item for each of us. As soon as we were inside the store I wondered why the lights were dimmed. I thought maybe there was a power-out. A clerk informed me that the store takes part in saving energy by dimming lights at certain time of the week. I thought that was pretty cool.

We surveyed the store to see where we should start. It is not easy when the four of us shop as our youngest has sensory issues that make noisy stores a challenge. We were determined to make this work. In my hand was a rewards card we would use.

We maneuvered around the over-stocked aisles and went to the shoe department to find our oldest a pair of runners. Once we found a few that she approved, the clerk got her size to try on. The lure being that there were 30% off signs. Then, I saw the original price tag- $54.99! For kids shoes! I do not spend that on myself. I asked if there were more in-expensive shoes. I mean, kids do not spend a long time in shoes. The cheapest was $39.99 in her size 2. I could not justify that. I promised her we would shop around to find something that suits both of us, size and budget.

Off to the kid’s outerwear department to find a winter jacket for our youngest. They had discount signs everywhere. Within minutes we found a purple jacket that was regularly $39.99 now down to $23.99!! That is more like it. Next to that was the Ladies Lingerie department to see if I could get a new bra. Let’s face it: a fresh one can’t hurt. Two minutes later, I found a fab Warners one on sale!

 

My husband found us at the cashier with new socks. He said they were on sale too. Okay ¾ things taken care of in a short time is pretty awesome! There was not a line-up so I put the items on the counter to be rung up. I began chatting with the cashier about the program. She asked several times in disbelief how much was on the rewards card. She swiped it through to confirm. The lady told me that if I owed more than the card I would have to pay with a Sears MasterCard or Sears Card. I was a little annoyed with that as I did not have either card. I try really hard to limit what credit cards I do have to keep my debts lower. You should be able to use any tender if needed. As I was about to say bye she told me about the Kids Program. If a shirt, for example, wears out before my kid outgrows it, Sears replaces it. I found that to be a big plus. My kids are rough and wear out clothes a lot especially in the knees.

I did like the ease of using the Sears Points Rewards card. There was nothing to sign nor was anything I purchased excluded from redeeming points. I might look at signing up for my own card to earn more points.

More about the program:

When you receive a Sears Financial™ MasterCard® or Sears Card, you’re automatically enrolled in the Sears Club™ Points Program. That means you can get up to 2% back in rewards every time you shop!
Some of the Sears Club Benefits…
– You can earn DOUBLE points at Sears everyday†
– 1,000 points = $10 towards anything at Sears*, including travel
– You can also donate them to Sears in your Community
You can redeem your points instantly when you shop at sears.ca, in your local Sears store and by phone at 1.800.901.9978. Super easy!
*Excludes Sears Gift Cards and services, including delivery, Insurance and Sears Connect.
† (2) X points calculation is based on the standard earning of 1 base point per $1 spent at Sears. Points are awarded on net purchases, excluding Sears Gift Cards, optional financing programs on the Sears Card, and services (e.g. delivery). Points are also awarded on optional financing programs on the Sears FinancialTM MasterCard, Sears FinancialTM VoyageTM MasterCard and on selected insurance products (see searsfinancial.ca). Please see your Sears Club Points Terms and Conditions for more details.

Disclosure- I am participating in the Sears Club Points program by Mom Central Canada. I received compensation for my participation in this campaign. The opinions on this blog are my own.

My Motherless Birthday Wish

Posted in birth moments, Cancer, cancer sucks, Giving Back, Loss Of My Mom, Marriage, Mom Nation, Mommy minute, Motherless Mama, Motherless Mom4 Comments

;

My heart has stopped, and then starts again full throttle. The music is filling the room with memories and dreams of the future. The words mix with the music notes from the guitar flooding my eyes with tears. The happy kind.

I am in the middle of my living room that is brimming with family and friends. They just gave me a surprise party. The icing on the cake is the gentleman who is singing the song. Chris and I only just met today, yet I know his stories as he knows mine through Social Media. He and my husband have long since connected the same way.

Only, this song came from the collaboration of the two of them for my surprise birthday party. What really made me weep is that the song is titled A Million Oceans. The very words that my own mother would say, “I love you more than a million oceans. “ My heart and soul is filled with the compassion and kindness that is bursting from my home. I am turning 39, the age my mom did not make it to. My dear husband knew this and made me a surprise like no other. That is not easy since we have been together over 22 years now. Next month we celebrate 20 years of marriage. This is one of the top romantic things he has ever done for me.

I look at the faces of my friends and family who took the time during their Thanksgiving weekend to come here to celebrate – for me. My sweet sister-in-law came from Calgary for this weekend! I am stunned and humbled all at the same time. Just when life stops surprising me, this happens, a million oceans over.

The one thing that struck me in why Chris came out was about paying it forward. It is so true. As parents, we hope that our kids’ future is at least 50% better than the way we had it at their age. I always mourned the fact that I was cheated out of having my mother as I grew up, and that my kids do not have their grandmother. I also dreaded turning 39 because my mom didn’t.

There is one thing I know today, my 39th birthday, is that she did leave a world for me that included kind-hearted people that remind me of her. My birthday wish is that you do pay it forward for someone today, for them, you and our children.

Thank you to all of you for the love and light you have brought back to my heart.

Please feel free to share here how you paid it forward today.

Here is the song:
https://t.co/9ZJVgHjI

My Motherless Addiction

Posted in Motherless Mama, Motherless MomLeave a comment

 

I open my closet in the master bedroom and I am hit with so many sweet smells. I drink in the sight of my many, many boxes of purses with a whimsical smile. The smell takes me back to when I was a young girl and would play dress-up in my mom’s closet. I would flip on one of her shirts and pick out a matching purse. She would smile and laugh as I pretended to be an actress of a rich person who has an office meeting to go to. There were no limits to what I could come up with.

To my left, I see her small brown leather clutch. I trace the worn material and wonder what stories she would have told me on where she took that purse if she were here. I look at my huge collection. To a stranger it must look like such a vain hoarding.  I was lucky to work at her favorite purse store for many years before I got pregnant. I took advantage of my staff discount every chance I got. Each purse tells a story.  I have a few of hers before dad boxed up her stuff.  I have sold a few of mine over the years but it is hard. My constant changing of my mind propels me to keep them. I do not have much to remember about her, so I live our connections with these arm candies.

As a legacy to her grandchildren, I tell them about their grandma through these bags. It is quite possible that they inherited the fashion gene as when they were younger I would pull out a box for them to explore while I showered. It was great entertainment for them to unzip and play like I once did. One day, they will have my collection. After all, it is a wise investment. Trends come and go but legacies last generations.

My name is Danielle and I have a purse addiction.

 

 

Motherless: 5 things to honor your mom

Posted in cancer sucks, Loss Of My Mom, Marriage, Mommy minute, moms, Motherless MamaLeave a comment

 

I am walking through the mall with my daughters and see Mother’s Day signage. What should be a happy sight, I feel mixed emotions. Ever since my mom died I have hated Mother’s Day. I’ve tried to make it passable by honoring my grandmothers,  but it wasn’t the same. Now as a mom, I feel I need to participate in the Hallmark holiday.

She is never far from my thoughts. I have been alive longer than her. What started to make the day fun for me was when I began things to honor my mom every day like:

  1. I break out pictures of my childhood and share stories with my daughters. By talking about the good times it reminds me I did have a childhood.
  2. She loved purses. I have some of hers and have added a lot more since. When I get nostalgic I look at my purses and remember playing dress up with them. Sometimes I will go window shop the purse section of department stores. It may seem silly, but it is calming to me.
  3. I watch her favorite movies or television shows. I remember watching The Young and the Restless when I was home from school. The house stopped for that one hour. Watching it today makes me feel close to her.
  4. I give myself permission to grieve. The loss of her will always be here. It comes in fast and furious. A trigger can be small or big depending on the day. When I embrace the pain I get through it.
  5. I work on living each day as it might be the last. I often forget to make each day count. The beauty is when I wake up the next day it is a fresh start.

 

I may be a grown woman but I will always wonder, what if she didn’t have cancer? What if she survived? What if I had a regular childhood that didn’t involve hospitals and wheelchairs?

Looking at my daughters enjoying a mall treat, I know I can drive myself mad wondering  the what if’s. I might live till tomorrow, or not. What matters is honoring my mom while living my life. Being the mom she was is a great gift to give my daughters.

 

Confessions from D

Posted in Mommy minute, moms, Motherless MamaLeave a comment

Before I started this blog I wrote two books for my kids on our cat Harley who died while I was pregnant with our second daughter. When my newest baby was mere months old I began to write about being a mom while missing mine. Off-topics like book reviews and moments with my marriage filled in the blanks. One thing I had not yet delved into was a more personal topic-me.  So today, I am going to confess more about me.

  1. As a tween I loved Bryan Adams. When I first saw him in concert the year after my mom died, I found comfort in his words. I still enjoy seeing him in concert today. My girls know his music. I hope to meet him one day to tell him what his music has done for me.
  2. As a tween my favorite after school snack was saltines with margarine and ketchup. As an adult I am glad I outgrew that craving. Now it is all about a glass of white wine and a good book. J
  3. I have kept all of my purses since I was a teenager. My life’s history is shown throughout the styles and where I was at the time in each purse. It is the one big thing I shared in common with my mom. She loved purses. When I need to connect with her I window shop for purses and feel her with me.
  4. I have never seen a Twilight movie. I tried to read the books and they put me to sleep. Ten pages on Edward’s skin???
  5. I may be 38 ½ years old and my mom died when I was ten, but I still miss her terribly. I am sad that my daughters never had the chance to have a doting grandma. I know she would have been a cool grandma. She was a cool mom.

That is my confessions for now. Care to share one of yours??? Spill it!