September 7th, 1984
School started now. On the second day I was sent to the library for a special project. I sensed why I was sent away. They gathered everyone in the pod of the entire Grade sixes and told everyone about you and how they should treat me. My friend, Carolyn, told me at recess. I felt like such an outsider. I was doing great in Grade five. I had good grades and lots of friends. I got cornered a lot by kids in school telling me that they are sorry about my mom and ask what it like is to not have a mom. Like I am some circus freak! Why did you have to die? Katie acts like everything is ok. Maybe she is too young to understand? I don’t know. She doesn’t ask for you anymore. Michel keeps looking for someone to pet him and let him outside to go to the bathroom. Dad complains about everything all the time. Was he always this grumpy? He gets angry sometimes and then stomps off, like when Katie was four. He gets angry and stomps off and slams his bedroom door. There is no laughter and no happy dinners and no movie nights. I do not want to cry because it upsets my sister too much.
Grandma said that God needed you up in heaven. That is not fair! We needed you more but don’t count I guess. It is so hard for me to go to friend’s houses, to see their full family homes. Even the ones who have divorced parents, at least they still see both parents. Not right and not fair! Sorry, I have to go again and set the table. I am not hungry but I can’t tell him that. I don’t want to make him upset again.
September 22, 1984
For whatever reasons dad hired a nanny while we were away at his parents. We got home and there was this lady named Charlotte there. She was living in your room. Dad moved in Katie’s old room and we had to share. It was not like Mary Poppins! At least she cooks something other than the fatty meat that he likes to cook. I do not recognize this house anymore. She added some stuff of her own, put a lot of our toys away and put some of your pics in our room and out of the living room.
Last night she was washing dishes, dad and I were arguing as usual, I asked her why he hates me so much. She said that he told her that I was an accident. How is that possible? It felt like you planned me. But why would dad say that if it wasn’t true? I can’t think of anytingelse why he would be so upset all the time. He is not upset with Katie like with me. I don’t get it.