Letters To My Dead Mother: April and May 1986

April 18th, 1986


After a big blow out dad had with the nanny she quit. No sooner than she drove away he said he wanted to ask Mary to move in with us with her daughter who is a year older than me. You have been gone for over a year and a half, I got braces, I got my period and now a new mom is trying to replace you. Not to mention she is bringing in another daughter and her foster son. This is not the same house that we practiced my skating moves or you would drill me on my spelling words. It is a hell house! I once again have to share my room, now with the daughter and Katie gets her old room back!! I am the middle kid here. Dad has Katie for his baby and Mary has Jackie. I constantly have to pick up constantly like Cinderella. That is the only reason why I am here? We get shipped off to the grandparents a lot. I guess when we are in the way. When we are with your parents we go to church on Sundays. They were so sad when you died. I don’t get how they can like God after taking you. I hate God. According to their minister “everything happens for a reason. It’s all part of a master plan.” How can it be part of God’s plan to take you from us and make all these changes? Did he mean that I deserved Dad’s abuse? I do not know what I am being punished for. What did I do? I do not know how to get out of this hell. I can’t wait years till I get legally leave. I am being summoned again! I must have left a napkin on the counter. AARRGGHH!!!


May 20th, 1986


Last night when Mary and Dad were at work, Jackie left in a taxi with her bags. She had not told her mom but her sisters and brother knew. All she said to me was she would talk to me later. I called dad at work, which I never do, and told him what had happened. He did not sound surprised. He said they expected it. He called Mary to let her know. They both said that I did the right thing by calling. I just made sure that Katie got ready for bed and then they were home. I did not not like Jackie. I barely knew her. We went out sometimes with her friends. Everyone keeps leaving and I don’t know if it is me or the badness that surrounds this house.

I don’t know what to do anymore.


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