Letters To My Dead Mother: 1987

March 23rd, 1987

Mommy

The wedding. Let’s see. It was civil. In a new church on the first day of spring and all that lovey crap. We had to wear lavender poofy dresses that she made. The morning before the ceremony we went to her hairdresser and got old lady poofy hairdos to match. I was allowed to put on a little bit of make-up. And let’s not forget the pasted on smile. I could tell her kids did not want to be there. Well at least we had that in common. They don’t care much for us because we are his kids. The reception was all right. I thought having her here would have made him calm down a bit and lay off me but it didn’t. If it’s not my weight now (my dress had to be let out around the bust and hips), to not knowing how to make dinner (no one shows me!) and whatever strikes him on the spot. Thankfully we stayed with his folks while they were on their honeymoon. We get to do what we want, eat what we want and watch what we want. Every thirteen year old that I know has problems and grows in the boobs. He now takes away treats as punishment to go along with all the other things he grounds me for. So I spend what little allowance I get to stash some chocolate or chips to have when he is not around. It’s the only pleasure I get in this hell. It is really time to learn how the hell to get out of here.

Till next time.

Nicole

June 10th, 1987

Mommy,

It was so bad last night. It was a screaming match when he got home at midnight. He ran into my room and slammed the door open-waking everyone up. I did not even know what irked him this time. He was not even home more than two minutes. Mary must have gotten to him earlier. It was my grades. I was failing one class. A class that did not even count!!!He pulled all my stuff of the dresser and threw it around the room. Mommy-he broke the double striped mirror that you gave me. The last thing you gave me. Some of the shards of glass hit my face.The TV, books and other stuff I did not care about. Even thou- I earned money for the little TV. It was like you died all over again. I am so trapped! Thankfully I had just re-hid these letters last night so he did not find them to destroy. There were bits of books, glass and porcelain shards everywhere. I was not even allowed to make any noise to clean up because he had to go to sleep. Never mind that he just woke us all up on a school night.

I have never felt so alone. I think he wishes that I died and not you.

N

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