Letters To My Dead Mother: 4 years later 1988

August 15th, 1988

Mommy,

I know I say this lot. I wish you did not have to die. I wish you were here. Maybe we would have been living with you and not him. I do not know how you could have stayed with him.

I have so many questions that only a mom can answer-my mom. Like how were your periods? I have always had very heavy and painful periods. It is so gross. I hate it when I have them at school cause I have to take my purse to the bathroom and everyone knows why. I have messed up so many pairs of underwear cause they come at weird times plus really heavy. I have to throw them out or try to clean them myself. They don’t allow me to take many painkillers cause of whatever. I try to buy them at the store when I can. They only help a little bit. If they continue then Mary promised me to take me to the doctor because there might be something wrong.

Today is the fourth anniversary of your death. We had to get up early to go with dad to take flowers to your grave. Then he took us out to lunch some place near there. It feels like such a farce. It feels like it was a lifetime ago that we were a happy family. I miss going to the skating rink and when I did a jump for the first time I would look up to see you cheering. You never cared if I did not go all the way to the nationals. You just wanted me to have fun. And I did. I don’t even open my mouth much at home anymore. What is the point? I antagonize him just by being. He claims that I just provoke him which is partly true only cause I exist. I still don’t think that I deserve the hits. There have been a few times. Katie got the strap once. I got a lot of different things thrown at me. Sometimes it has been his hand. Surprisingly he always misses my face but gets my arms and legs where I can wear clothes.

I am a reminder of you? No one tells me if I look like you. I see pictures of you growing up and I don’t see a resemblance. I want to write in a diary of all my feelings but I am afraid that if I do they will find it and accuse me of whatever. I know kids don’t want their parents much when they are a teenager. I never got that chance with you to choose if I wanted to misbehave or not. I don’t go out with friends (they are long gone. I can’t bring them over). So therefore I don’t party, drink or do drugs. Never had the interest. I wonder if I should try it people seem to like it a lot. Dad and Mary always have a box of wine in the fridge and he has beer all the time.

 Sorry to depress you. You are the only one I can talk to and you can’t answer back.

                       I do love you.

                                                 Nicole

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