Letters to My Dead Mother:Halloween week

October 31, 2006

Mom,

Progress report:

Her first Halloween. She is going thru another growth spurt. She cat napped yesterday minutes at a time, ate and cried the whole day. I hate Mondays. My lack of sleep the night before waned my sanity by three pm. Then the boys started their cries. Can you hear my head hurt? I was expecting some grief because it was Monday.

                             N

November 2, 2006

Mom,

I decided to take the plunge and challenge myself to write another novel. I am crazy. I have a six week old to take card of. I felt obligated to go out but just have not gotten around to it. It is too wet and too cold. It is a day to stay in. I think Trinity’s got a cold. She ate a little yesterday. She cried A LOT yesterday and did not sleep much. I am so bagged. She did sleep last night for almost seven hours. I slept five myself – in a row! She woke up at three am! This morning she slept a bit more too. Still more crying! It is now two pm and she has been awake a fair bit. I already did my daily word count for the novel contest. Two days into it so far so good. Today is Thursday. Alex’s night out. Eep. I do not like it but I encouraged it for him. The worst time of the day here to be alone is five pm. Every one including me wants to be fed. She is fussy eating, I’m hungry and the cats need feeding.

                         Ciao,

                           Nic

November 4th, 2006

Mom,

Today is the first day that I truly feel better about myself. I have had wonderful sex with Alex (that is a whole other topic).After I got dressed I decided to try a pair of jeans I have not worn since being two and a half months pregnant. They fit! I almost screamed and danced! But I remembered that Trinity was asleep right down stairs. I was prepared to wear track pants forever. Wearing size fifteen pair of jeans regular fit never felt so good. That will keep me in check to watch what I eat. The jeans could use a little extra room. They do stretch nicely. When I sit I still feel my spare tire. I feel so much more alive and almost back to my old self a year ago. Except I am still tired. Been up since four am. Tonight we are trying to gear up to go see Steve for his fortieth birthday dinner. Am I in survival mode for sleep? I am on second gears.

                                     Love u,

                                            Nicole

November 7th, 2006

Ma,

The cure for post partum has to be sleep. I have been awake since three am this morning (the time is now nine am). During the last crying fit I started to cry. I try so hard to not cry in front of her I was trying to squelch it. I ended up attempting to hum to try and get her asleep and ended up shaking in tears. I am still in tears now as I write this. She was up so much last night. Awake at midnight then at three. The sad thing is I almost called on anybody to watch her so I could get some sleep. Only I see myself not sleeping if someone was over because I would worry and jump if she cried. How I am going to get thru this? It will only bring other challenges. When she will only nap a short bit when she gets older, how am I going to enrich her days? I will have to learn about educational stuff. I want her to be sensory challenged. Maybe I just have to wait for my other career stuff (writing). I met a woman who had four sons who also was a single mom. I do not know how people do it. I am so tired. She is sleeping now. I could not sleep myself so I am here trying to write my thoughts to get it out. Hoping to get my emotions out in a safe manner so I can go back to helping her be a great girl. I wonder how my grandma did it with five girls. Mind you, she was not alone nor had them all at once. You, the oldest, helped out. I guess that is how moms can have many because the older ones can help out. That in itself does not seem fair. It is the parents who decided to have kids so why should their other babies have to do grown up things. I have seen many kids having to skip out being a kid just to help out at home. I am one of those. When I was seven I had to help out you (when you were wheelchair bound due to all the chemo) with my sister and the house at night when my dad was working. I did grow up too fast. I never did many kids activities still have a problem with wanting to eat anything. Today the reason would be to keep awake. I think I will try to close my eyes now and have the TV on.

I just finished watching an Oprah show. It was about people making dreams come true. They had on a girl who lived in Sierra Leone. While running from the guerillas one grabbed her and chopped her left arm off from the elbow. Her mother tried to stop them and got her own chopped off in the process. Her mother carried her six year old daughter for three days looking for help. The daughter eventually got adopted by a wonderful African couple from the states. The girl had not seen her mother in six years. Well in Oprah fashion she brought her mother out. The producers worked on getting her mother to the States for four months. There is so much red tape to bring people to better lives. I started to ball my eyes out. I had just picked up Trinity to try and calm her down. I was holding her in my arms while I was watching the segment. I can totally relate to that. I would give my life for my daughter. In a heartbeat, not even that long, I would jump in front of her and evil.

The rain finally stopped enough for the sun to come out and stay out. Go figure. Trin had a longer nap while it was beginning to get sunny. I waited and waited. By the time I was going to call it a lost cause she woke up. I fed her and packed ourselves up and hit the road. We had a great walk. We went to a local clothing store. She started to fuss while we were in there. I knew she had to be changed so I grabbed a few tops to try on. Because we were with a stroller they gave me the largest change room. I flipped her out of the seat and pulled out the change pad and changed her right there. I ended up trying a top on that was on extra sale. I walked home with a new top. I know who cares about the size on the tag; it is just how it properly fits. On the way home I called up the hubby to invite him out for dinner at his favorite place. It took a bit of effort but we made it out. We barely got there when we were swarmed by the waitresses that knew my husband. They would not leave our table. Then two wanted to hold her. Alex looked at me as if to say it was ok by him. I do not like it but I relented since he enjoys coming here with his friends. We got our food when she needed to be changed. Of course. We traded her off after that so we could feed ourselves. Then she started to fuss so I got up and walked her around. She fell asleep in my arms. We finished our meals and put her in her car seat. She was happy for a bit so we had a second drink. I had so much fun regardless. Just getting out on a weekday night was exhilarating. It was fun to dress up and clean up to go out. We got her home and into her crib. Within a half an hour she was awake. She is awake now (8:20pm) watching Alex play his Xbox. After her waking up last night at midnight I just sensed it was going to be a long day. I was right. By ten thirty this morning I felt like it should have been three o’clock in the afternoon. What I am grateful for is that my favorite soap, Young and the Restless, has a character that is going thru the post partum stage. Her newborn is only weeks old. Some of the stuff they showed got to me. I could totally relate. Makes me wonder if you put that there for me. She watched the show so much while she was here that I think she was reaching thru the show to tell me it is ok. Other women go thru it too, some even worst than me. Thanks mom. I hear ya. It is no substitute for having you right here. I still would rather have that. Mind you, then we would not have my other mom May. My fairy godmother ended up being my foster mom. We continue the relationship to the point of surrogacy. We are her children and she is now a grandma. The life I have now is a large credit to her. I could have ended up in one bad relationship after another; anything to escape home. I could have been pregnant then in the process, drugged out, drunk and on welfare. It is because I was allowed to be a teenager with her that I did party like a teen. I did meet my husband during that time.

                                                             Love,

                                                                       Me

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