Letters To My Dead Mother: reality without you

November 8th, 2006

Mommy,

I thought I was going to lose my mind this morning. As I was trying to make her formula she started in on a crying fit. The pitch that would make a stranger think we were torturing her. Then she just collapsed in my arms asleep. My ears are ringing still. It has been seven weeks and I still can not get used to the high pitched crying. She did it when we were in the bookstore. Every mom in the place came over and oohed and ahhed while I was trying to console her. She did it in the bathroom when I was trying to change her. Poor little girl is so tired she does not understand how to get herself asleep.

There was one victory today so far. She fell asleep in my arms after breastfeeding (second time in an hour and ten minutes). She woke up so I walked around with her. She was still a little tired and awake so I put her in the bassinet which is in the living room. I talked to her then walked away for a minute. When I went back her arms were spread and she was asleep! Yay me! I need to work on this more so then if she wakes up in the night she may not be hungry or wet she would be able to go back to sleep. With any luck and a lot of hrs work we all can sleep thru the night. I pray for that every day especially when she has her umpteenth crying fit.

I found myself foraging for sugar again today. It is not only for low energy but a stress reliever. I am not able to write with her in my arms much. I read, watch TV, write a little and walk when the weather is ok. I do not have much else. When Alex comes home I try to spend time with him. I feel split some days because I want to spend some time alone doing things I am not able to do when she is awake during the day. Then I do miss him. Not just for sex, I miss hanging out playing card games which gives him such joy so it gives me joy.

I have just read some of this. What crap? Who is going to want to read this? I am censoring myself to a point. I know it has bothered Alex that I am typing about my life. He knew that I used his real name which I now changed. Those who know me will recognize a lot here. It is wrong to stop myself. I am not helping my healing spirit. Like. Oh. I might as well open up. I had a weird dream. It is a little foggy. I was in the middle of an orgasm when all of a sudden I heard Alex’s voice asking what I was doing as I was reaching over and there was Trinity. Now there could be psychologists saying that my hormones are still getting back to normal so therefore my libido was getting back or even better. I am still creeped out a little because I think something might have been wrong with me. I woke up in bed with Alex beside me asleep. I fear that there was something even deep rooted that I do not remember in my subconscious. Whoa do heavy man. Life is just starting to get better in small spurts. Trinity’s first Christmas is just weeks away. We are not prepared as much as we can be when I was able to just go out to do stuff with more money. Working at a mall made me insane to get Christmas stuff over with so I could just relax on breaks and off time. It has been thirteen minutes and she is still asleep. Now I want some chips. Must keep writing. Write crap. Write anything to keep me hands moving. I had a small lunch. I need to still lose some weight before I gain it over Christmas. Unfortunately I am not able to lose as much weight if I was able to full time breastfeed. That was one of the perks. (though at the end of the benefit list for me). I can’t stand the questions from other moms regarding breast feeding. It is like they are trying to convert me, as if I chose not to breast feed full time. It is inconceivable to them that anyone would not want to do it all the time. I still wish I could. Thankfully she still wants my milk a few times a day. Though I think it is more for soothing and not actual nutrition. I will take any special time I can. Maybe one chip with a Diet Coke. I sure love being able to drink those again. I could not find out if it was ok while pregnant so I cut it out. I do not miss the sugar sodas. I am sure that is why I gained a fair bit along the waistline.

I broke down. I am so weak. There is nothing like the small of a Wavy Lay’s potato chip. So I had a cereal bowl full with a Diet Coke. A balanced snack. They are not too salty or greasy. And at last the chips are not as fat as the old stuff.

                       Nicole

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