Letters To My Dead Mother: I try too hard

November 9, 2006

Mother,

There is one benefit to her being up almost all day crying and fussing; she slept seven hours. At 3:20am I had to get up and pee. Then I realized that she had not woke up yet. I then laid there is bed ready to run in there to make sure she was ok. It was at four that she started to fuss more. She then ate more than she had in one sitting all day yesterday. So I have been up since then but I got a little over six hours sleep. Although I remember waking up in spurts expecting to jump up. You win some you lose some. I do not know which world I want. The world where she sleeps somewhat napping during the day then over seven hours at night. You know the best of both worlds.

We are wrestling with two dilemmas right now. One being the babysitting issue. Who would we trust and when would we do it? She is almost two months. We have not been out as just a couple in that time. Next week is our anniversary. I would like to try to go out for one drink. The compromise that I can figure is to get someone to watch her after she is in bed. We can just go down the block for a celebration drink (quick phoning distance). The ironic thing is that we are trying to be adult and figure out who can care for her in the event that we both pass away. We are having a problem with babysitters let alone guardianship. The number of babysitters is not lack of numbers it is just the trust issue. Not just trust for the babysitter but trust to actually walk away and leave her. I still have a weird time walking away leaving her with Alex. This past week she has wanted to breast feed more. Also I seem to be the only one that can put her to bed. Last night we tried to put her down drowsy. She fought and won. Alex tried to go in there to talk and to feed. She did let out some burps. At that time I was trying to have a bath. It was hard to relax because I could hear her. Eventually I just took her and walked with her in that special way she likes and Volia! She was out. The funny thing is that we thought to try the drowsy thing when we wanted to get it on. So every time we thought she was down for sure we would disrobe then she would cry. So that is a lesson learned.

It is now 5:43am. The house is still quiet. The cats are sitting waiting for me to move to the kitchen for their breakfast. Alex managed to get back to sleep after the three o’clock bottle. I probably should have laid down too but I wanted to take advantage by writing while the house is still. I do have the TV on for background noise. I like the adult type of way the TV makes me feel. It gives me a focus while she is in one of her fussy spells. I should stop word count checking. I keep thinking I am farther ahead than I am. There have been tough days where I can not write a spec of a word. Then there are the days that I am glued here. I jut have to write notes when I can so the times I can sit here then I can spew away. Mmmm. Coffee pot just clicked on. Thank goodness I can have coffee now. Though I have found that I can not have too much. There was this one time that I got jittery. I was so afraid of dropping her that I treated her like a china doll which I do most of the time anyway but you get the idea.

I almost am thinking what am I doing? I can’t write fifty thousand words. I have a newborn. I am trying to find my lost youth dream. Where will this novel go after it is done? I can not leave it unfinished. It will join all my other half projects incompletes. I AM NOT A QUITTER!!!! I just think I should have tried this next year. There goes my oldest cat looking for attention. Cat walling. He sounds in pain. Trinity is finally sleeping. This morning is a little better beginning than yesterday. She did not sleep as I mentioned.

Did I mention that I do not like having to be a grown-up? I could not imagine how teenage moms do it. Poor parents. I could not imagine once you think your child is only a few years from moving out then poof! You will be a grandparent. Then you are starting all over again. We know many friends who did that. Now watch Trinity do that. Karma or careful what you say. I hope we can raise her at least to use the pill and condoms. I can not say save yourself because Alex was my first at sixteen (he was nineteen). Those are gong to be a lot of talks.

One thing I do have to be careful is when we do have sex that we do not become pregnant too soon. We do not use birth control. What we do is not foolproof. We have decided that we will stop at one child. Alex does not like me on the pill because he says the hormones are crazy.

It just hit me. What we have gone thru is hard and great all the while. What about the poor military families that are dedicated to our country who have never held their kids? Many families have the babies while the dads are back on duty. Yikes. I have heard horror stories about women who have gone thru c-sections at certain hospitals are not able to hold their own child for over a day. There was one lady in our prenatal class who had that happen to her. She gave birth in a hospital where the nursery was in another section. Her mother was telling her how her own son liked to be held. Thank god we gave birth in a place where our girl roomed with us which is also where I delivered her. Why do hospitals do that?

My hands are hurting from writing. (Arthritic I think).

Today is Thursday. It is just us girls. At least this weekend is a three day weekend. It might help me get thru till he is off for a week at Christmas. I can not wait till Christmas. No retail hell for me. I need to figure out how to get thru so I do not have to do it next year or ever. I may have to part time. We will need money. It will depend on how well Alex and Trinity do on their own. Look at last night. Next week Alex is sending me to the spa for a post partum massage. I want to go however if I have to come home to put her to bed it will erase all my relaxation. They are going to have to do it. It can be hard work. Mommy can’t come to the rescue all the time.

We have decided to ask my sister to baby sit on our anniversary after Trin goes down for the night. We need to for us. We do not get much time alone. I can’t wait. It will be hard however I know that my sister is as paranoid as I am so she will call about anything. Once Trinity goes down she is down for a few hours. I will just have to work hard to get her down that night.

My life list as of today:

1.Raise a beautiful caring daughter

2. Have a longevity marriage perhaps the longest ever on record

3. Publish a book(s)

4. Have a speaking part in a movie

5. Learn sign language

6. Travel to an exotic warm location with a beach

7. Have a house on the water

8. be happy in my own skin so my daughter will emulate that

9. Read a whole book in a day

10. Go to Disneyland

11. Design more purses to sell in stores

12. Spend a whole day in a spa

13. Have a dinner in a very fine five star restaurant

14. Be retired from day job type life young.

15. Learn how to ride a bike.

16. Fly first class on a minimum two hour flight.

There that should so it for now. Some people have longer lists. I will work on that to start. 😉

Today I tried on another pair of pre-pregnancy pants. I did have to suck in my gut but they do fit! I had to unbutton the top button while at home but I just can not bring myself to take them off. I am so tired of track pants albeit comfort. In fact these pants are size fifteen regular fit that I have not comfortably worn since a year ago. Yeah me. Last year this time between my birthday and Christmas I indulged every day. Now I am still wearing some of that baggage.

My second victory of the day is that when we went out for a walk I was tempted to buy a bag of chips and chocolate. I did not. Instead I bought a diet pop and a Weight Watcher magazine that had holiday tips. And it is only noon. What could happen next?

Trinity is still sleeping from the walk so that is why I am able to write this now. My word count is doing better on my novel at least. We got an email from the dude running the novel contest. He mentions to not to quit right now. If you are going to quit then do it next week. Great ploy. Next week if I think of quitting then I would be like the month is almost up why quit now. Even if my mind is a blank.

Flukily and frighteningly Trinity went down at six pm. Flukily cause she has never done that  cause I may be in for a long night as the day was today and yesterday. She did not cry as much as yesterday but pretty darn close. I am trying to get everything done as fast as possible so I can wind down. I really wish I had a glass of wine handy now to mellow out. She could be up any minute or in four, five hours. There was that time we put her in the bassinet at 6:30 and she woke up at one am. That is why even though it was only six pm I put her in the crib just in case. Now I wish Alex were home so we could enjoy each other like last night only earlier. But it is guys’ night. I stupidly called him to see if he was done. I could tell by his voice that he was not. I sent him a text apologizing. I just figured it out. I am so not used to being alone. She is still down (it is 7:10pm) although I think she will be up because she is making noises. She will be hungry and probably wet. It is so strange for me to be alone. I worked my but off to get the have-to-dos done and now I am idle. I want to do so much and yet nothing at the same time. There is hockey on.

I did ask my sister if she would baby sit for our anniversary. She said yes. Though I probably would not have expected a no. I still want to go thru things

                                      Exhausted but happy,

                                                       N

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