Letters To My Dead Mother: My heart out there

November 10, 2006

Mom,

I had to cut off last night’s writings. Trinity did wake up after an hour’s nap. She took another forty minutes to go back to sleep. Just as I was getting her drowsy again Alex came home. He was not upset. Phew. After I put her down I went downstairs. Alex came down it is the day after I asked her first babysitter. I do not feel apprehensive. I do feel anxiety of making sure my sister knows everything. Alex and I are only going to go once she is down and only down the block. I have to let go a little. I know that I do not have to completely let go. That will never happen for the rest of my life.

One piece of freedom I miss right now is being able to grab tickets to go to a concert. We did go to a few. It was Alex that was comfortable staying in town instead of going downtown. I am glad we still went on one last hurrah going downtown to see Phantom Of The Opera. We went out for dinner first then to the show. It was his first opera. The baby kicked a bit during some songs. That makes sense now that we know who was in there. I know one day we will head out again to have nights out. We need to work on a valid list of babysitters.

I do not know if this is a repeat topic but who cares? My love of bags is genetic. You loved your bags very much. I have a lot of bags. They are great because it is one size fits all. Small purses are great for the quick getaways then you can put it in the big bag when you are traveling with your child.

I know why I love expensive lipsticks. I wear glasses so lips are the best thing to feature on my face and dress it up. Plus expensive lipsticks tend to have more natural ingredients. An average one can cost up to thirty dollars. You do not need a mirror to apply (great too if you have your child in one hand).

Finally today is the Friday before a long weekend. We have so desperately been waiting for one. (me especially). We can have more time for us as a family and by ourselves. Oh she is stirring better run.

This morning I am consumed with depression sadness. Maybe it is the rain or the lack of sleep, I do not know. I yelled at our youngest cat who was wailing when she was wailing. It is not his fault I know that. It got to me. I should feel cozy at home on a bad weather day. I feel trapped. I want to cozy under covers with no responsibility and cry my heart out. I am not able to do the simplest thing around here for me or for the house. I thought after two months I would not feel this way but I am. There is no denying that.

I still fight within myself to not eat the house up. I want to lose the ten pounds that I set out to lose. We have ways around the house to exercise so I do a bit.

Alex buys a lot of pasta because it is cheap and easy to make. No wonder I am having problems. I can’t go shopping with Trin because I can’t push her around in a cart. There would be no room for food.

Lately I have had spells of chills. I get icy cold and can not stop shaking. I do not know if it is the weather or depression. I guess I am not too bad on that front because I am writing about it. Denial is half the battle right?

Everything happens for a reason?

The sound of the tires racing thru the streets

The hum of the furnace running thru the house

I do not know where my place is

Here where I thought I would never be?

Or a place still to show itself?

Am I blind or can not see?

Is it true that everything happens for a reason? I do not know my place anymore. I never sought to be a mom. I do not feel the maternal strong instinct that a mom should have towards her child. I do love Trinity with everything I have got. I just do not feel powerful in force. I take care of her as best as I can. Some days I am so grateful for when she naps when I am alone during the day. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I pull it together? I did not baby sit for so long (for at least sixteen years). What I know is bits or what I have seen on TV or in the malls or making it up. I almost should write her an apology letter now for when she is older. Apologizing for messing her up or not doing something that we did not know we should be doing with her. It is so much work just to go to the mailbox even more so in this weather. I almost was just going to put her in the car to go around the complex to the mailbox. I am scared to go driving because people are crazy in this weather. I do not drive much anymore so I am afraid that I could be careless.

What about when she is older? What am I supposed to do with a toddler before she can go to preschool? Do I let her play only educational games or toys? Can I still let her watch some TV? When should she nap then or have at least quiet time? She does not like going to sleep now what is going to happen later? I need to join a mommy group. I need to make friends with moms. We have no one in our small circle. Friendships are tough when you are trying to get to know your child plus keep your marriage together plus have a smidge of time to yourself. It takes a lot of strength in me to leave the shower every morning. I do not have much time because Alex has to get to work. It is nice and quiet in there. Except this morning when I raced out of the shower and they were both on the bed waiting for me.

What should I do for my time out this weekend? I should not always go to the pub. Maybe I should go to a coffee shop and read my new book? Or write more for the novel. I do need to get the drafts of my other projects edited so I can pitch them out there.

The blinking cursor on the computer screen is like mocking me to stop; to quit. I do not want to quit. I need to work on my PMA. How? When I feel like such a blobby mess. The house is a mess. I am only partially half way thru the novel.

Am I a risk taker? I risked my time to do nothing to write a novel. I dare to dream of life when I get it back from wherever it was. I risked that to get pregnant (though that was beyond my power). Everyone wanted this child in our lives. She is the first great-granddaughter/grandchild and niece. After a grieving year last year having a new life was a breath of fresh air.

Ironically when I was just me I longed for solitude. That is why I loved to write. I craved to be able to have the freedom to write at home. Now I have that but with a child so sometimes it is all I can do to go to the bathroom before I pee my pants. I did too much of that following the delivery (bladder infection).

I ache for those days back. Just one more week. I was done with being pregnant though.

You should have to apply to be a parent. You have to get a license for a car, a dog or a firearm however anyone can be a parent even when they have no right to.

Once again I am writing when I should be sleeping. I want to enjoy tonight when we will all be together. I am writing so I am not glued to the computer trying to play catch up.

Here come the boys right on time. It is only 2:30 and they are awake thinking it is dinner time. I know our new schedule must have messed them up. When we are up in the middle of the night they think it is breakfast time. They are old and young in their jealous sibling type ways.

I almost think I have taken on too much with everything. I had considered to work a little bit to make ends meet however on days like today I could not imagine going to work for four hours on my feet tonight. It is next year when I should concentrate my work outside the home energies.

One goal at a time. I could make a list and each week focus on one thing to cross of at a time. Yes. That is it. I will work on the novel first then look at the next topic. Mind you with Christmas around the corner I am biting off too much again. The New Year will bring more time and boredom. There will be no long weekends for months. I will look for distractions.

What will next year bring? I will not recognize Trinity. I do no think I will wish for her being a newborn again. I will definitely need my energy more then when I have to run around catching her. I will be losing weight thru that. That will be my New Year plan. To get thru this next month then the New Year gets into activities appropriate for the two of us.

It is almost time for my show. Young and the Restless. I remember watching that with you. Some days Trinity is crying thru it. At least having it on keeps me escaping if by theory into another world.

I need to find other things to talk to my husband about. We talk all the time about her or his work. Where are we going to be when we are older and she has moved out of the house? We will just pick up where we left off awhile ago before we became three? We never had much in common at our beginnings either. Somehow we got together thru our attraction to one another. Or was it the fear of being alone forever? Oohh. Deep thoughts. I got to get out more. This weather is depressing. I am so tired now. My hands hurt from some kind of arthritis tightening.

Fifteen minutes till my show. She will probably wake up then knowing the way she plays me. She is a funny character.

I never had been much of a housekeeper. I did warn Alex that the first few months would be hard and that I would need help with the housework. He sees on weekends just how much she needs us. At least we can tag team together. At least he likes coming home. Some dads just find excuses to not to come home after work. The pubs are filled with dads by five o’clock.

If only we could win the lottery. We can hang out lots together. When we were broke we did lots around together and on our own. We hardly ever fought yet felt fulfilled.

Will I ever feel fulfilled?

Tomorrow we will be traveling into Vancouver to see grandma. Despite our past with her I want to go. One reason is I know I will be sad when it is her time to go. Two is because I want my daughter to know her great grandma. The pictures will show to her in the future that there was a great grandmother. Alex’s grandparents live too far and will probably never meet her. The two live in separate seniors home.

Is it true that you take the lessons learned in this lifetime to the next? There is so much in hindsight that I would use to make certain things better. I will not get into it in depth now. Mainly it would be to take more opportunities when I was younger. Taking the bull by the horn, so to speak. To take charge and go down my path and whomever wants to come with me.

I fight within my own brain to figure out what to write about. To get the brain started, to keep it alive; that is what these letters are great for.

shortly after informing me that he went into her room to see her and kiss her good night. That is so sweet. She stirred apparently but did not wake up. I am lucky that he truly wanted this child. It has been a lot of work. I am glad he wants to help when and where he can. We settled down to a couple of drinks which stretched into late hours. At 1:30 this morning I regretted the last glass of wine. I did not regret staying up late because we had great chats mainly about how great we are doing with her. We see other babies and compare. I hope I am not overdoing it with her.

                       Love you bunches,

                                                  Nicole

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