Letters To My Dead Mother: Congrats again Grandma!

February 25th, 2008

Mommy,

Holy moly! Someone has some sick sense of humor. After being a week late with my period, I made an appointment with my doctor. I have been late before, many times. I was not too worried. I thought it would be the endometriosis again.

Alex teased me and said I should take a pregnancy test. Yeah, right I replied. How could I be preggers again? I have one miracle child. No one is that crazy lucky to get pregnant again. People spend so much money on getting pregnant and adopting because they wanted a kid so badly. I feel so guilty of being pregnant. In fact I was in such denial that after taking the one pregnancy test that I had here, I went out in my pajamas to get more. So in total I took three home tests. I still was not positive that I was pregnant. I was going to wait till the doctors tomorrow to confirm.

How can this happen gain? Is this happening for a reason? The path that I did not chose but chose me? I can’t say that if I could change things that I wouldn’t be a mom. That would be so wrong because I would not know our little girl. For some reason this kid chose us or someone chose us for them.

I really hope that we do ok by them. We were lucky with our oldest for a lot of things.

Please help us and watch over to make sure this baby is healthy too. I hope that all the bad karma is gone and will not harm this family. These kids already have so much baggage they have inherited. They deserve a running shot at the good life.

                            Keep watch mom.K?

                             Thanks. Love you.

                               Nicole

May 12th, 2008

Mom,

The past year with the baby was a blur. When I was pregnant with her I was in fair good health. These past few months have been horrible. I have been so sick. We lost our fourteen year old cat due to cancer. Your mom had a bad fall so she got put in a home. Now, Mother’s day is here. I don’t feel like celebrating. Alex is sick so I am taking care of him and baby girl.

If this at least means that with a horrible pregnancy I will have an easier labor. Since last time was the exact opposite.

Am I bitter? Yes. This one has been harder. I have no time to rest. She does not nap. Then I have to try to keep Alex happy. ARGH! I am going insane.

                              Help!

                                    Nicole

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