Letters To My Dead Mother: we arrive home

September 30th, 2006 (or whatever day it is) J

Mommy,

When we showed her our house, it struck us. Who allowed us to bring this precious child home? Who allowed us to be parents?

Only time will tell if we could handle it together and alone. I was not ready for the awesome responsibility of being at full time mom.

The first week was hell. While I was trying to repair internally I had so much pressure to formula feed her. After only three days the home nurse scared me by stating that I was not giving her enough so I had to feed her with formula. Trinity had dropped three quarters of a pound. My milk had not come in yet. The nurse kept repeating that it SHOULD have been by now. I felt it was too soon to give in but my husband kept up the pressure. I was so burnt out from not sleeping for over a week that I gave in. I wanted to give her everything even if it went against my instinct. That same night she cried for so long (forty minutes) I called the helpline who told me that I should take her to the hospital. When I was going to hang up Trinity stopped crying. So we did not take her.

The next day we went to the doctor for her first check up. We told the doctor everything that transpired the previous day. The doctor told us she was not worried about the weight loss. It happens. If it were more dramatic then there would have been a problem. She was still optimistic that I could breast feed. She gave me a prescription that would help speed it up. In the mean time then we could supplement with a dropper. Whew. Between the books, the nurse and my mother-in-law I was so stressed out. I had not had a chance to sharpen my mother’s instincts. In hindsight I wish there was someone who actually had my back with the knowledge of what I was really feeling. Normally I have a strong yet sensitive backbone. I could take on anything and not be afraid to speak up. However after adjusting to a newborn, sleep deprived and having a marriage to lean on each other I was very weak. The books state “facts” which are not always the truth since no two newborns are the same. This is also true for well meaning family members who spew what they think are facts (though out-dated) based on their experiences. Where we lacked great back up daily help we were blessed with out in-laws (for both sides) in town. I am sure we would be swarmed on a daily basis if that were the reality.

Within two weeks I had gained a bit of the reins more. I was not going to let our little girl cry without reason. Babies do not manipulate. They cry when they are wet, hungry, tired or need their parents. If their needs are met then they will always know that their parents are always there for them. That is why we had a child. (Why my husband wanted one) was to teach them what we knew plus do it better than we had it. We both had absent, alcoholic fathers. I also had an abusive one. It has shown that absent fathers can equal delinquent children. My husband is proof of that. He had his spell when he was a teen. He got the strength to not continue down that path.

I did still struggle with depression. I did not feel like I had post partum depression. I heard many scary stories of women who fought the disease. I did not feel like they did. I did feel lonely and isolated. I still did not want to let go and let someone baby-sit or change diapers and so on. She is so young and I do not want to miss a thing. My husband feels that way too.

I dusted off an old habit writing in a journal. I still had a hard time keeping up with the household needs, my husbands and mine needs. I put that pressure on myself as well. I tried to be super woman. What you are about to read is my world post partum. My therapy, if you will. I kept my head up (barely). Oh yeah, never did hand out the birth plan. You can have all of the best intentions in the world and it all goes out the window in a second. Be flexible is key (physically flexible won’t hurt either).

 Feels like it has been ten years already. Time has flown. I went thru seventy hours of labor. 

Every hour there is something new with her. I am so exhausted. Days are better than nights. I hope to get at least five hours in a row at night with her. I can function on at least that. My head is so foggy. She is so sweet and so precious. How did I not need her before? Just need to help Alex ease off the juice a bit like we promised each other. He is having a hard time having the best of both worlds. Also I miss HIM. I love hugging him so close to me without my big belly.

The first week was so tough. I was healing and trying to breastfeed. I can’t sleep thru the night now. My dream goal is to have her in her crib and me in bed with my husband at night. Now she will only sleep on me then I try to ease her in bed.

                          Need to fly,

                                     N

Letters To My Dead Mother: Congrats Grandma!

September 30th, 2006

Mommy,

You have a granddaughter. It was not an easy labor!  When I was a few days overdue, I was so afraid to stray from home. I could not even bring myself to go down the street to get a tea at the local coffee shop. Fear was right around me. The fear of going into labor out in public. Flashes of Hollywood labors where the woman’s water broke in restaurants flashed in my mind so much. At that point I was so hot and huge I was anxious and impatient waiting for this child. Not a pretty combination for those around me.

When I was eight days overdue, my back felt like it was going to rip apart. I was going to re-intact the scene from Alien when it came out of that guy. I could not do anything to relieve the pressure. When I could fall asleep my bladder woke me up three times. I was so tired that the next morning I started to nap at eight o’clock in the morning. Before I went to sleep I made sure that my birth plan was in place with many copies to pass out.

Did I forget anything in the birthing plan? Take a look.

Birthing Plan

Medication

If I ask for pain medication please wait at least ten minutes before administrating it to me. If the pain does not pass in that time then please give it. Only Nitris Oxide if necessary to try first. If that does not work then Demerol. Nothing with codeine as I have sensitivity to it (not allergic).

Medical Interventions

I only would consent to a caesarean if I or my baby is in distress and time is crucial.

Second Stage

When it is pushing time only my husband and medical personnel are to be in the room.

Delivery

I would like our baby handed to me immediately following birth. I want skin to skin contact right away. I will be trying to nurse the baby as soon as possible.

My husband, Alex, will cut the cord.

Request

     Please help me limit my visitors by reminding them that my baby and I need our rest. Only Alex is to be allowed in the room around the clock.

I started to cramp and feel like I had to make a monstrous pee. When I went to the bathroom, my underwear showed the show (actual medical term). I started to adrenalize. I called my doctor’s office that told me to relax since I did not have contractions. Then I called my husband to put him on stand by. Within the hour the contractions started. They were every ten to twelve minutes. After alerting my husband but telling him to not worry, the intense gripping attack of panic of being alone overwhelmed me. I picked up the phone again to call him. He was already on his way home. The ONE-DAY he had to be farther away. That was my earlier fear. I did not take into consideration that first babies take a long time to come. I feared that I could be home alone when the baby wanted to come. My husband was farther away at home on that day. Of course. After the fact, I realize how foolish that was. The chances of giving birth quickly are like a million to one. (Maybe a little less). The contractions were still ten to twelve minutes apart until late afternoon. I thought if this was how they felt then it was not so bad. By mid evening, they were five minutes apart for an hour and fifty to sixty seconds in length. After a quick call to the hospital they said to come in.

We arrived at 7:30. By eight thirty I was only one cm dilated. I had not changed since the doctors. It was just as well they sent us home. The hospital was full. They were sending ladies all over town. I was a little disappointed. I was sure I was going to give birth that day. It was the fourteenth and it was one of our lucky numbers.

We got home and settled in for what was going to be a long night. Midnight rolled around. I sent my husband to bed. One of us should sleep. Might as well be him since he needs to drive. All night the contractions were up and down in length. I could only sleep for minutes at a time. Early morning came and so did everything I ate the day before. I guess with all the stomach movements that it was going to blow. During one explosive session I had awaken my husband on the top floor. I sent him out for ginger ale and crackers.

It was Friday. I wanted to give birth on a weekday. Hospitals can be really short staffed on weekends. All day the contractions slowed and speeded up. They definitely got more intense. I was so foolish earlier. I could not call the hospital since they were not five minutes apart, one minute in length for one hour. I still could not eat much. The nausea was worse than the first trimester. I camped out on the living room couch once again for a long night of sleep between contractions. There is not much exciting on television at three am in the morning. I counted minutes when my husband would awake. Our cats needed to be fed so after not getting anywhere with me they went and woke him up.

Now it was Saturday morning and they have increased. At 9 am they had gone back to every five minutes. So off for the half hour ride to the hospital. We got admitted! I was only 2 cm still at that point. They gave me a shot of morphine so I could sleep a bit. The rooms were nice and private. Four hours later I had not even moved in dilation. Off we were sent home again. I was so pissed. I had to suffer another long ride home again. Thankfully my husband knew some back roads so we did not have to deal with Saturday traffic. I remember that it was sunny.

Once the morphine wore off all afternoon and early evening they progressed till they went from every six minutes to every two minutes. Once they were like that for fifteen minutes I begged my husband to call the hospital. He protested to wait till they were an hour (as we were taught). That was the first time I got cross with him. Obviously when they heard my groans over the phone they told us to come in. Off for another car ride. I have memorized every lamppost and street sign. Still to this day I can tell you where they all are. That third ride to the hospital was the longest in my life. I gripped the seat so hard I think I broke some of my fingernails. We arrived at the hospital with no baby. There was a kind man in the parking lot that suggested a wheelchair. I had not previously because of super stupidity. I relented. Wow. That was much more comfortable. We got up to the wing. Obviously I looked much more in labor because we were rushed thru the assessment area to a room. I was still only freaking 4 cm! We got set up with the ice chips and machines. I was asked what drugs I wanted. I had chosen the gas mask because it was the less evasive for the baby. My husband and I set up in the shower to help relieve my back labor. At that point I had no modesty. I was buck naked in the shower with my swim trunked husband. The nurses were in and out asking questions. They kept asking me if I wanted an epidural. When I became too pruny (we were in there for over an hour) got out. The contractions were really pissing me off. I felt like I was doing tummy crunches forever. For three and a half hours I breathed in the gas and talked briefly to the nurse. My husband closed his eyes for a quick nap. I still had not peed. I drank so much water. They had to put in a catheter. I would not recommend it. It was so uncomfortable. At midnight the doctor came in (my doc was off that night) to check in. I still had not progresses past four cm. This baby does not want to come out! I was now eleven days overdue. She broke my water. After a quick discussion they set me up with an IV containing okytocin (to speed it up) and gave me another shot of morphine. I was asked again if I wanted an epidural. Do they get a bonus by how many they administer? From three am to four am I was praying like I have never prayed. That may have been due to my breathing in the gas too fast (which they told me not to do). It made me delightfully light headed.

By 5:30 am I was finally at ten cm! I barked orders at my husband who jumped up right away to get more ice and washcloths. I recommend ice to every woman in labor. It can ease you and hydrate you. Plus, it can calm your anger by crunching to your hearts content. Fifteen minutes later the room was set up with all the equipment and I started to push. It felt like the worst bowel movement in your life.

One hour and ten minutes later our baby had barely moved. They could see the entire baby’s hair. So she was there. The doctor said I was giving a great effort. Whatever. I was exhausted. My husband, nurse and doctor kept telling me to push. Duh. Like I can stop now. Yeah- sorry- changed my mind. Refund please. The doctor suggested that she help by forceps or vacuum. I heard bad things about the forceps so I asked for the push button vacuum. What I did not realize that I still had to push. I was so into the pushing (all the while hoping it was the last), as was my husband our daughter came out. I had to point to her to show my husband that I did not have to push anymore.

At 7:05 am on the Sunday morning, after seventy hours of labor, our daughter was born weighing eight pounds twelve ounces. She proved that she was in great health by her lung capacity. That was my motivation by not having any harsh drugs. Her cries filled the room announcing that she was here. The nurses placed her on my stomach as my husband got to cut the cord. Then they had to bring her over to the bassinet to clean her and weigh her. I encouraged my husband to leave me while I was getting stitched up to go be with our daughter. When he went over to her he started to talk to her. Right away she turned to him and quieted down. She watched him fascinated. He had spoken to her many times in the womb. She could not take her eyes off of him. My heart swelled to a new size.

I was so elated that it was over. I was uncomfortable but happy that I was no longer pregnant and pushing!

      My placenta still did not drop. No surprise that nothing of mine was working. The doctor had to bring in an obgyn to go in and get it. The door opened to reveal the doctor who told me at eighteen that I should have a hysterectomy. I almost died at the same time I wanted to smack her. I bit my lip and waited for her to do what she needed to do.

After our girl was cleaned up and swaddled he got to pick her up to take her over to me. He almost did not want to let her go. We still had not picked out a name. He looked at me and said Trinity Patricia. I loved it. Trinity was short for my middle name. Patricia for you. When he finally released her, I tried to breastfeed. I was apprehensive. Many doctors had warned me that I might not be able to because I had a breast reduction over eleven years ago. It has been found that the best I could hope for was partial feed. I was still determined to try. It was the best of the best for her. I avoided many foods and lifestyles because it was best for her. I was not going to settle for second best nutrition now.

She latched on so well. I could not be any happier. Trinity is gorgeous. She had so much hair right away. Her alertness to the world was amazing. She was ready to explore this world.

The nurse came in with great news. It was time for a shower. I did have to go in with the IV but who cares. It was awkward at the same time so delightful. I could touch my toes! It was at that time I realized how gushy I was with all the fluid and blood.

After seventy hours of labor, light drugs and only a few surface stitches, we were ready to spread the news. Only a few people knew that we were in labor. We did not know whom to call first. Of course, everyone wanted to come. I only wanted a few people to come to the hospital. I only got one catnap before my sister and her husband showed up. Apparently when I closed my eyes so did Trinity who was beside my bed. It was hard to not get up at will. I was still attached to the IV and had a catheter back in. My back was sore. I could not feel too much pain inside. I was only taking over the counter pain medication. That was strange since I had not taken one pill the entire time I was pregnant. Maybe that is why I did not feel the need for drugs. The gas took the edge off.

The rest of the day flew. We had three visitors. They left gifts of clothes, donuts and coffee. My husband had let me indulge in grilled cheese and fries. (My pregnancy favorite). I know I would have to cut back the calories pretty quick. But-hey I just gave birth. I hear women saying they are ready for another right after giving birth. Not me. I am not that crazy to gamble again. This perfect angel was plenty. As it was the angel I did not know I could have.

Since we were doing so well we were discharged after only one night. (Not including the labor night).

I knew that we were not over. This was just the beginning of this adventure called parenthood. I do wish that you were here at least for back up. This girl could have used her mommy!

                    Love you. I gotta sleep.

                                      Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: You will be a grandma!

January 6th, 2006

Mommy!

I had a doctor’s appointment because my period was a week late. I was resigned to that fact that it was probably the endometriosis again and that it could mean a more drastic surgery. I was stunned to the news that I was 5 weeks pregnant. After being reassured that it was no mistake, my doctor (not the same one who told me that I could not have children) high fived me. I could not remember the rest of the conversation. Breaking the news to my husband was the next step. I wanted to do it in a creative way, as he really did want kids. I told him a little white lie when I called him to say that I was fine and had a false positive to the pregnancy test. When he finally got home that night after work, I asked him what he was doing on September 6th. Why, he asked? I just looked up at him then he knew. This is crazy! I am not supposed to a mom!?!? I am still in shock. I am sure you had something to do with that, heh?

      I need to sleep. No wonder I have been tired. I thought it was too much holiday parties!

                            Love you!                          

                            Holy Crap!

                             Nicole

August 15th, 2006

Mommy,

It has been too long since you have been gone. Ok. Feeling a little musical now that I have time to relax before this baby comes. Let me fill you in on the rest of the pregnancy if you have missed anything.

The rest of the pregnancy flew. I had only a few bad days the first trimester. The second one was becoming a little more challenging. I had some swelling in my legs and my belly was definitely growing. I worked on my feet all day in a store that did not help my energy level. I was exhausted. We saved our pennies and purchased a safer family car. Then we realized we did not want stay in our neighborhood. There was a shooting, a stabbing and numerous break ins in cars and homes. So we searched. At that time was the rise in real estate made our belts a little tighter. We did find a place in a better neighborhood. By that time I was so ready to be on mat leave. We get 50 weeks of maternity and parental leave.

It is funny how some believe the old wives tale about what gender you are carrying. I was asked a thousand questions about what I am craving, to how I am carrying (high or low) and how big my but was getting. (Already a big size before pregnancy). My husband and I went thru the checklist on that topic. It is crazy what there is. There was the above mentioned, the wedding band on a string over the belly, if the husband gained weight to many, many more. I did not care since every medical test that was thrown at us we passed.

Funny enough, once relatives saw the ultrasound the word “boy” came up in every conversation in reference to my belly. They meant well. I never wanted to put that pressure on my unborn child.

                      I need to have a cat nap now.

                             TTYS.

                                     Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother

August 20th, 2005

Mommy,

After almost thirteen years of marriage, we were told that I could officially not have kids. All the bouts of endometriosis have cause severe lesions in my reproductive organs. This pretty much cancels out conceiving naturally. The problem stems from me and not him.

I am not devastated by this confirmation. After all we have not tried to or tried not to have kids al these years and nothing had happened so we figured it was not meant to be. What erks me is that it should be our choice not a medical choice. I feel like someone has died again. It did not seem like Alex cared or not which is either good or it could still be bad.

We had a few close calls. The last one when we found out I was not pregnant I was a little sad.

Oh well. We will take a bit of time to have fun and enjoy ourselves. We can look at other options in the near future if we want to go into parenthood. After what dad put me through, I am so scared that I inherited his anger. It would not be fair or right for my kids.

I still like where we are. Freedom. Money. Sleep. I wonder- did you want it all? You had your teaching then kids. Were you truly fulfilled? All these questions I would love answers to from you.

Maybe some answers when we meet. Hopefully along time from now.

                     Love you more than always.

                              Nicole

November 15th, 2005

Mom,

Alex and I went away for the weekend to celebrate our thirteenth wedding anniversary. When we were cozy in a booth at a local pizza brewery, he dropped a bomb on me that he wanted kids!

After what we just went through at the doctor’s because of my body he now wants kids. Only he does not want to do it with drugs or calendars or anything like that. He is optimistic that it will happen.

I just sat there stunned. For years we had not been around kids much. I asked him if that is what he truly wants. He said yes. I am shocked to say the least. All I could say was “hunh.ok.” He had taken that from me that I was ok with that. I did not know what to think. My head was still spinning when e got home today.

I do not know if he knows what it takes to be really a dad especially with newborn. Not to mention what could happen with us. The lack of sleep which he needs otherwise he is a baby.

As I was still digesting this I thought would be a good time to look at stay at home career options so that there would be time for me to get that gear running. I figured we would be looking at adopting in a years time.

               What do you think about all this?

                I know-you want kids to look at….

                                      Ciao for now,

                                                     Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother

April 12th, 2001

Mom,

I did it. I broke away from the daily grind of meaningless retail jobs and got freelance work in the film industry. Doing background work is the best schooling I could get to learn the ins and outs from the film business. I have already done enough to know that this is my calling. I should have done this years ago. I get to play everyday and be someone else and get paid for it!! It does have its slow weeks were I do not know what else to do for money. Alex is doing it too. We sometimes get booked on the same set which is a lot of fun. Plus always having ride home helps. I tried auditioning for acting jobs but have not gotten any yet. Alex got a few commercials. While I am happy for him but I am also sad and a tiny bit jealous. I am an overweight actress at an age that I should be a stick. I took proper acting classes with reputable teachers. I know how to do it all but no jobs. Surprisingly I still have an agent. Alex got mine too. Maybe that was a mistake but I can’t stop it now.

So I will keep my head up and enjoy the fun. Feast or Famine!

                                Cheers!

                                       Nicole

June 30th, 2004

Mother,

It is so hard to maintain a positive attitude when you are in an industry that tells you that you are either not skinny enough or too fat or not fat enough. This and the declining Canadian buck I have to look hard at going on hiatus at this point. We are knee deep in debt. We bother need to go back to get squared away again financially.

So we pounded pavement again. This time it was harder because we loved the life. We had our down times and great hang out times together and had great memories on shows. I would remain here if I could forever. But there is that responsibility thing again.

Alex went back to his skilled life as a building sales person. Me- I looked for retail gain, begrudgingly.

Unfortunately I found one in a retail industry that I did not want to touch let alone sell. Leather. It paid well and was local. No big commutes. After a month there I had to get out. Working with a variety of women of all ages and backgrounds felt like I was back in the bowels of high school.

The adage goes that when you don’t look for something it comes to you. I got a call from a retail store that was a favorite of yours, a purse store. I still have some of the receipts from your purchases inside the purses. I have always had affection for purses because of you. And probably because of the fact that a purse is one size fits all. A woman can’t have enough. At least my hubby understands that it is genetic. Yet Katie does not have the same gene. She will use the same one regardless of season and what she is wearing. Gasp!

I love it. I did take a pay cut but it helps me to focus on the next possible step. Another creative adventure/career or otherwise. Happy for the most part. I don’t see myself there for life but it is ok for now. Plus I get great bags.

                        Back to reality gotta go.

                               Love

                                     Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: growing up is hard

May 30th, 1998

Mommy,

The worst has happened again. Katie called me when I was at work to see if I had a car (I did not). She said she wanted to go to the hospital. I told her to call my hubby. She eventually got hold of a friend. She said she will let me know how it goes. I went on my way home. I did not hear from her so I tried her and no answer.

Later that night her friend’s mom called me. She was going to have to have emergency surgery. The doctor’s figured that the cysts she had had grown even bigger. She could not eat or sleep properly for a long time. She never mentioned this to me before.

So I waited at the hospital with our guardian and her friends. Unfortunately dad and Mary were there too. I tried to avoid them as much as possible but it was hard. I had sworn them off a few years back when they lied that they were back together (after we got her out and safe). I did not want Katie to see that tension.

What a long night. Eventually the nurses recommended that we all go home because there were a few delays in waiting for her surgery.

I got home in a fog. Alex was at a business meeting and did not get home till after I did.

All I wanted to do was wait at the hospital. I can’t lose her. Please take care of her.                                                       Praying with all I got,

                          Nicole

July 1, 1998

Mom,

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!!! After four rounds of chemotherapy, Katie is ok. She had so much intestines’ and one ovary removed because the cysts turned into tumors and therefore left cancer all around. It was the most devastating few months after losing you. Every time she was at the hospital I was there.

This whole time made me so crazy that I got fired from that hell job that I had for a few years. It was good riddance. I only took it because I thought it would make me look good in front on my in-laws and hubby. Now I was able to focus on her recovery. She did not have a significant other to help so there was our former foster mother and me. Alex helped when he could but it took a tole on our marriage for sure because I was not there a lot. He understood given you. Now this is a great family stat. A survivor! When she got her first clear test I almost fainted.  I know you must have had a say in it. Thank you.

I feel like I have been reborn. This was the wake-up call that I needed to get better with my life. I did not like the person I was for the past few years. Now I can strive forward.

I knew she was not ready to see you again!

                   Thank you mommy.

                             Love you.

                             Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: Not a mom

March 23, 1997

Mother,

Being an adult sucks. I am stuck in a job that I hate. It is a ‘career job’. The pay sucks but I got benefits for us. I still day dream of what would have happened if I tried harder to pursue Hollywood. I went right from high school to marriage. No one reminded us that we needed to pay bills or SAVE money. I am twenty three years old and feel like I need to bust out of this blue collar life.

We rent a one bedroom apartment. We have one car which I don’t drive. I never thought I would have been in this place at this time. I never did dream of the future specifically. I just wanted out! Some folks work on their career first then marriage then kids. I got the marriage now I need the career not another job. I have little skills for big paying jobs yet.

One day I will look back on this a laugh. I feel old but I feel young. We do have a lot of freedoms. I am grateful that I did not go through the clubbing scene. We went once with friends and it was such a meat market. Made me grateful that I was not single. After all we do not have kids. Had a close call once. We know we are NOT ready for parenthood. We know too many people that are bound to their kids. One day we will blow up that bridge when we get to it. I will make you a grandma one day.

                                 Ciao for now,

                                      Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: Girl Grows Up

September 14th, 1992

Mom

Well after a whirlwind of graduating high school, odd jobs, we decided to not move into together but to get married! We have been engaged for some time. We were waiting till I turned nineteen which I will turn in a month. Then we were going to do it on the night we met next year. We realized why wait? We have been together two and a half years. We are committed to each other. I did not think it was possible that you could marry your best friend but I am. Yes, we have naysayers cause of our ages but we don’t care. We don’t believe in the whole living together because there is always a back door then. Marriage is for keeps and all that till death stuff. I wish you were here to help me with the prep. We are not waiting long. We plan to move in together November 1st and get married November 14th. Not long to plan. We don’t want a big thing. If I was old enough we would have just eloped. I never dreamed of big weddings and all that crap for just a day. I just want to be married and get on with my life with him. We have been fortunate enough to be surrounded by great friends who have this same philosophy through an organization that gives you the positive mental attitude you need to make a better life. I believe we are on that path.

                 Gotta fly to keep preparing.

                           Love you so much!

                                                    Nicole

Letters To My Dead Mother: I met THE boy

March 21st, 1990

Dear Mom,

Tonight I met a boy that I knew before. Only this time when we looked at each other-it was like the movies- like it was a light switch blazed full power on. Alex was a friend of one of Jackie’s boyfriends from a couple of years ago. He was a bit of a jerk. Mind you eighteen year old boys are really into themselves. I was only fourteen at that time. Anyhow, we had not seen each other since they broke up. I was with some friends who one of the guys knew him. They yelled at me to come on over and I looked up and there he was. I felt like I was glowing the whole time. I still feel like I am glowing as I write this to you. I felt so safe and secure with him. I just wanted to be near him. Magnetized perhaps? I won’t say I am in love at this point. Something tells me this is what love is. Yuck just like the song. How gushy mushy. I don’t have anyone really that I can tell these things to or at least to sort out what my feeling really are. So he asked me out right then and there when he brought me home. Of course, I said yes. I hope there are more great stories to tell you. Thanks for listening to me.

Nighty night.

nic

Letters To My Dead Mother: early 1990

January 15th, 1990

Mom,

It has been a whirlwind of social awakening for me. I had a wonderful Christmas holidays. Traveled around town, visited with friends and rested. I have a lot of catching up to do. I did go to a few parties. I only tired a few drinks but nothing too outrageous. I am out on permanent parole! I have to go on the bus to school but its fine. It’s a small price to pay getting up early to make it. The bad weather kind of sucks. But like I said it is a small price to pay. I feel like I have to go backwards to catch up what childhood I missed. However I do not know if I can really do that because things have so changes within me that there may not be going back. I just feel like I should have gotten Katie out too. Even though it sounds like she has them all to herself and is not complaining. I am not sure if everything is right there. I hope she will tell me. And soon.

  Oops. It is really late and a school night. Must be responsible.

                           Nicole

February 14th, 1990

Dear Mommy,

 Yuck. Boys suck! I do not know why I was trying to get dating when there are such losers around. I hooked up with this guy at a party. (Don’t worry we just made out, mild stuff. But then you may have already known that). Things were going ok. Then I found out he did drugs and quite possibly sold them. Yes I had friends and they are other dysfunctional home rejects. So we have a lot in common. True it is the crowd that I used to be accused of hanging out with. These other kids had messed up parents. Most had parents who did not even want them. How is it their fault when no one cared for them? At least I had you fro ten years. Maybe that is the goodness I still had in me. I just regret that I did not try to speak up sooner to get out.

Anyway back to the jerk, after a couple of weeks of having some hard core fun he decided that we were through. My guess it is because he wanted to go further and I didn’t. Be proud1 In this day and age to be a virgin sixteen year old is quite the challenge. So he broke up with me OVER THE PHONE ON VALENTINE’S DAY!! How is that for screwed up? Yup only men in my life who are messed up. Am I a magnet? Probably.

You still claim that dad is my dad, right?

Now dad has pulled the little money he was giving May. He told her that since I was not living there why should he pay for me? Even thou the money he was giving her were the orphan money he got from the government for me. What an asshole! I am embarrassed to be considered to be related to him. How? Why? You could have done better? Anyway-Sorry I am off on a tangent on loser men. Or are they little boys trapped in man skins?

Nope. I did not drink tonight. I only do that at parties. It is fun sometimes but I can’t do it all the time. I feel like I am just starting to see the world for the first time.

I hope Katie is ok. I don’t get to see her too often because he is controlling that now. I have to phone him and talk to him before he considers to let me talk to her. I got so tired of it that I had a friend call her directly then she passed me the phone. We got to talk briefly till Katie ratted me out. She was always daddy’s little girl. She would sell me out in a second if it meant not hurting him. Maybe one day she might see him for what he is.

I feel helpless when I hear what goes on. I can’t make her leave. Yet social services seem to feel that she is ok. I know I have to get myself better before I can help her.

Anyway, I love you. I miss you every day still. I can’t wait to make you proud of me.

                        Love,

                                  N